2011. december 8., csütörtök

Show me where it hurts you

Now I'm in a very bad mood again. So deep in depression. I don't really want to talk about it though. Everything feels senseless, all are never mind. I feel nothing but emptiness inside of me. No good. Anyway, what I would like to share I just understand one scene from a movie I've seen quite a while ago. It's from a Japanese movie called Tokyo Tower (starring MatsuJun who is my ichiban. The movie isn't really that good, but there are really hot sex scenes with him in it, that's why I love it :P). So the scene is near at the end of the movie and the plot is that a younger playboy gets into a relationship with an older house-wife. He doesn't treat her very nicely, he only deals with her when he wants, otherwise take his time with other women, doesn't answer her call and such, which makes the women obviously disappointed. She tries to break up with him more times, but finally she always give in to him and make up again and again. So in this scene, when she sees him on the road in a sport car with another girl, she crashes into his car on purpose more times. His car got damaged so he gets out the car and starts yelling at the woman. That's when the woman says, when the guy asks her why did she do that:
"Always I was the one who was angry, finally I wanted to see you angry. However, you should be a lot more angrier."

Actually I've always supported the man in this movie, I liked how he could get away with this playboy lifestyle. However, now I really understand a woman. I also would be happy to see him angry. I want to see emotions from him. As strong as possible. Emotions I cause in him. Positive or negative, now never mind. I just want to get some.

2011. december 3., szombat

Inner demons

Reading blogs sometimes really an interesting thing. I don't think people would share every thoughts they have here, I cannot know someone just from his / her blog, but really I can learn some things. Just thinking about myself, I also relieve here some thoughts I don't really share anywhere else. Why? Yes, I know that anyone can read it, but still, without my name and my face it's somehow not that hard. Of course anyone can find out my identity etc. etc. But somehow it's still different, even though it's public.

By the way, I think I can say I'm pretty good at online stalking. It's not something I'm proud of though. I just have quite a lot free time to do and why not? When you have a depressed, melancholic and asocial personality like mine. (By the way, most people don't know the difference between asocialists and anti-socialists.Asocialists are those, who has problem with treating other people, communicating other people, making closer relationships with people. While anti-socialists are sociopaths with an other world. So they have problem with emotions, letting people close to them and such. So maybe the only thing common is the difficulty in making closer relations, maybe, but that's not the point now.) Anyway, I realized that I'm really not ready dealing with other people's problems. I have way too many for myself.

I do have friends, now I'm sure. Those fellows from university is somewhat dear to me. Really. I feel I belong to them in a rate. I cannot open my heart to them, but still. I'm a part of their group anyway. Feels good, but not enough.

Some days ago I was scolded by a guy I don't know that much, but sometimes I talk to him online. He said I already wasted half of my university life with this shit I'm in right now and I really should change. I know I should, but it's not that easy. I don't know if I can do it alone, but I must. I have to learn doing everything alone. I cannot depend on anyone emotionally. But I know this thing cannot be solved alone. I can do what I have to do, but I feel empty inside. I just feel nothing. Nothing at all. I like being drunk, because at least that time my dark thoughts go away. The rest, doesn't matter. I study, because I have to, I will go to Norway for half a year, just because I want something to happen. But really never mind. I want to pass my exams, but if not, never mind. Doesn't matter. What is missing? What could change this? Now I don't know.

For a while I thought maybe if I found love or something, this might help. Now I think probably not. If I think about it deeper, every people have inner demons. And I think mine are too much. Too much for someone else to bear. And also it would be too much for me to bear someone else's as well. I still like a guy who is impossible for me and he has a lot of inner demons. I cannot know them fully, but I think his burden is probably as heavy as mine is. Totally different, but heavy. I couldn't help him and he couldn't help me anyway. It wouldn't change my feelings immediately, but it's a fact anyway. No matter what I do, I have to do alone. I don't where I'm heading for this way, though.

2011. november 23., szerda

It's a cruel, cruel world

I'm back here for a post before I will be buried by studies. It will be a hard time, really. For next week I have to study 100 § statute and also I should prepare for another test and study roman law as usual. The funny thing is that if I cannot study normally that statute and I won't pass that test, I cannot go to the exam. Too bad. In this case I will have to take it up next year again. At the moment I can't really worry about it. My tactic is basically that I always ask myself "what is the worst that can happen to me in this situation?" So I can see it's really not that tragic. Now the worst is that I won't pass and I have to take it up again a year later. So what? Basically, nothing builds on this subject, so no problem. Also, I don't have finish this university within 3 years anyway. I just lose 5 credits for this semester. Who cares? Not so tragic after all, right? Just take it easy. Worrying too much isn't healthy. Calm and peace is the reward of apathy.

Something else, yesterday I realized how unfair this world is. How unfair we are. A lot of girls complain about boys like only bitches. But aren't we, girls are the same? Apperaence counts too much. I know a lot of nice guys, who are single, even though they are polite, kind, intelligent and such, however, they aren't too loud, aren't matcho-like and so on. Even I cannot look at them like potential partners, only just friends. I can only fall for those self-sufficient, egoist dumbasses, who may look cute, but really are jerks. It's unfair, really unfair. Someone please open my eyes and other girls' and make us turn to these nice ones from those dickheads! Because how things are now, if a boy wants a girl, the recipe could be the next one: If you are kind, polite, intelligent and treat girls nice, they will only want to be your friend. Be egoist and self-centered, look down on others, be loud and you will get any girl you want. That sucks!

2011. október 18., kedd

A (bad?) girl's lament

It's been a while since I posted anything. I could share things, because there are changes in my life (I will move out from my apartment and move to my cousin's and probably I will go to Norway in January, though I still have some administrative work to do with it, and need to consider it well, but I won the scholarship already anyway). But today I don't feel like writing about it. Today is just a little lamenting around a thing that on everyone's mind all the time, though not everyone admits it. A thing that is important to everyone. Everyone's minds evolve around it. There are many expressions to it, that's what made me think and actually I would like to write about them. Yes, the thing is sex.

I have never written about it yet, but why? Honestly, I like reading when someone writes about sex. Why? Who knows? Maybe because I'm a stalker like everyone else and I like looking into other's prive life. Also because I kind of respect those, who have enough courage to talk about it directly. Anyway, there is a lot of expressions to sex. Thinking about why would be also a good theme, but now I just want to share my thoughts about the differences between each of them. Even though they refer to the same thing.

So the first expression is "having sex". It's the most simple expression, refers to the concrete thing, it has actually no plus in the meaning. To be honest, maybe that's the phrase I like the most. It says nor more nor less, just what it is. But it's a bit too concrete. Still the best, I think.

Not like "making love". It's too oldschool in my opinion. Who makes love? Just the couples in romantic movies. Too "pink" phrase. Dislike. Absolutely. I have never heard anyone using it in everyday life. Let's just keep it for romantic erotic stories. Though it's sometimes even too much for there as well. If someone would say it in a usual conversation, probably I would laugh him / her in the face or at least show a strange expression on my face.

And the last category is "fucking" and "cuming". These two words are nearly the same. Vulgar. If couples in romantic movies make love, than who fucks? The actors in porn movies. That's it. What they do is animal like and vulgar. Totally fucking. So if you do it hard, then you are fucking and it's a fact. This word is used sometimes young people or not too highly educated dumbasses. Not like they would really use it this meaning. They just want to seem cool or really just stupid.

Anyway, my conclusion is, just use the world "sex". Let's call everything on its name.

So it was a totally senseless post, but I just wanted to write it. Sorry for those, who wasted their time on it.

2011. október 3., hétfő

I'm a loner

Lately my depression is in a very deep period. I feel lonely. Like I'd belong to nowhere. I wish for someone, who really listens to me, who puts me into the first place. If this person is a boyfriend, or just a very close friend is nearly never mind. I just want to feel that I'm important for someone.

Most of my acquaintaces just kind of put up with my existence. My roommates, my classmates, everybody around me. I thought I got used to being treated like this, but it still feels kind of bad. I know it's never mind for them if I'm there or not. And this thought is painful somewhere.

My family thinks I'm important, but I guess they already kind of got used to that I'm not at home. My best friend lives far and she cannot be here when I need her. Moreover, she has a boyfriend, who is obviously more important for her, than me. It's normal, though. But I have to admit, sometimes I hate that boyfriend (even though I've never met him) and I kind of jealous of him. But it's okay. Maybe I'm sick, but I try to handle this feeling. Sometimes it takes over, but mostly I can.

I can only make friends with people who lives far. It's nice to talk to them sometimes, but they can't be there, when I need them the most. It sucks. I like being alone, but right now I'm sick of loneliness. It sucks...

2011. szeptember 29., csütörtök

Nem a ruhat eszi az embert

Sweetbox - Trying to be me

 Today's title is in Hungarian, because it's something I just can't translate into English. It would lose a lot from its meaning. So I just left it in Hungarian

Today I realized how much clothes express someone's personality. Of course I've always known it in a way, but I've never thought it's that serious. I have clothes I liked when I bought them, even when I tried them on at home, but when I have to wear them a day long, I just realize, it's no good. Somehow that clothes aren't me.

Lately I wear skirts more often. And for example I love my jeans skirt, that skirt is me, especially if I wear it with leggings. But today I wear a bit longer, green skirt for the first time. I thought it's a nice skirt and fits me, when I tried it on at home, but somehow I felt something bad when I wore it at school all day long and I couldn't wait to take it off as soon as possible. It was my first thing to do when I arrived at home to change it. I don't know what the problem is though. I still think it's a good skirt, but it's just not me. Simply not me.

Sometimes the same thing happens with me with blouses, shoes and such. That's the thing why my mother argue with me and I just can't tell her what my problem is. Since I was the one who said they'll be good and then just refuse wearing them. I just can't explain. Difficult, right?

Anyway, last day I wrote a test of Roman law. It could have been better, but didn't succeed that bad either, I think. I will learn the results next week. I'm a bit worried about it, but I don't want to think about it until next Wednesday. And I went to row again. It was good. I still need to learn and practice it a lot, but somehow I enjoyed it, even though it was hard. Anyway, I think everyone should try it. It's really cool. Hard, but cool.

2011. szeptember 27., kedd

This is me breaking up with you

I just feel like showing my top 20 sad break-up songs. Maybe it's not my real chart, just the first 20 songs which came into my mind at first. So here they are:
20. Breaking Benjamin - Breath

19.  Pixie Lott - Broken arrow

18. Tatu - Doschitai do sta

17. Alexandra Burke - The silence

16. Evanescence - Missing

15.  The pretty reckless - Just tonight

14. Britney Spears - Everytime

13. Rihanna - Cry

12. Eric Saade - Masquerade

11. Hamasaki Ayumi - Is it love?

10. Taylor Swift - Haunted

9. Sweetbox - Echo

8. C.N Blue - I'm a loner

7. Avril Lavigne - Wish you were here

6. Kesha - The Harold song

5. Zanzibar - Üvegszilánkokkal az ágyban

4. Garbage - Cup of coffee

3. Sweetbox - Girl from Tokyo

2. Arashi - Kimi wa sukoshi mo warukunai

1. Kelly Clarkson - Behind these hazel eyes

Where is my place?

I just find this song pretty true. Yes, recently I'm quite a feminist I think. Though I have no problem with them, until I treat them just as friends. But no romance, please.

My family says I'm like a kindergardener, little child if it comes to romantic relationships. They say, that boy from law class likes me, as a girl I mean. But I don't think so, I think he is just lonely, doesn't know too many people in this new school and maybe he finds me nice. I also think he is nice, but just as I friend. My family knows nothing. Just because he likes talking to me sometimes, that doesn't mean anything, right? Actually, I just don't want to believe it. Because if I did, I couldn't spend time together with him anymore. So I just ignore the fact, I just refuse to believe it and everything is alright. That's all.

By the way, today I don't feel like to do anything. My mood is a bit depressed I guess. Nothing seems to make sense. However, rowing yesterday was nice. Hard, but nice. I have to learn it properly for sure, though. Now I should study Roman law, but I don't feel like. Maybe a bit later. Because I must not fail in any test. Not from that subject. I don't know if it really matters though. At the moment nothing really matters. I hate this mood. The only thing that bothers me, that my bed isn't too convenient. So even sleeping isn't too good. But I will survive it somehow. Hopefully

2011. szeptember 19., hétfő

Life is hardだけどhappy?

Tarja Turunen - I walk alone

I'm disgusted by boys. Really. That's what I realized at the last party. When that guy tried to kiss me, but ended up licking my cheeks, all I could think about is "it's similar to what my dog does, but he is more disgusting". And any guy, who seems handsome or at least okay for me, when they come closer, all I start thinking about is when he will leave... I wonder what's wrong with me... maybe it's really better for me to be alone....

By the way, I went to row today. I couldn't go to the river, because I storm came, but the ergometer was good. Now I'm tired like hell, but feel good and calm in a way. Nice feeling. I want to go again. Though I'm still scared how I will manage to row when I will go to the river and really have to row. I've never done it before. I hope I won't be too bad at it.

And I found a good part in my book again, so at the end of my post, let me share with you it. I found it really true again so I don't want to comment it. Just read:

"-Érted? - kérdezi, miközben a műanyag csomagolással bajlódik.
- Mindent. - Nemcsak úgy mondom. Tényleg értem. Eljött az életében az a pillanat.
A pillanat nem az idő egy szelete, hanem egy kérdés. Felismerés. Megrázkódtatás. A pillanat akkor jön el, amikor felnézel, és meglátod, hogyan nyúlik el az életed a további hetven évre. És közvetlenül előtted ott tornyosul, mint egy hatalmas útakadály, a kérdés: "Elég jó nekem ez az élet a következő hetven évre?" De lehet, hogy ezt könnyű megválaszolni. A következő, logikusan adódó kérdés - tudok így élni? - az igazán halálos. Mert nem az eldöntendő kérdések fajtájába tartozik, hanem a "csináld, különben meghalsz" kategóriájába.
Én kerülöm ezeket a pillanatokat."

2011. szeptember 14., szerda

When will it be me?

Avril Lavigne - The best damn thing

Today was a very very sober day and it was right. Now I officially swear that I will NEVER drink any alcohol on Tuesday in this semester. No, I know it's Wednesday. But today I have Roman law class with the strictest teacher of mine. And it would be bad if I were worn out because of partying and I have to write a test or something. Or even just think. Basically, he is strict, but he is my favourite teacher. So I have to show him that I still can do study in a high level. Actually he made me take up law as a second majority. I decided it last year when I studied for the exam of his subject and when he gave me a five (the best mark) on the exam. That was the time I made up my mind. And surprisingly he remembers me. At least he knows that I already passed a course that he taught. It seems his legendary good memory is real. Anyway, I mustn't dissapoint him or myself. I have to study Roman law hard. Really hard. No matter, what it takes.

I respects him a lot. Not like those bastard, egoist idiots, disguised as handsome, long-haired guys. Just look right through me and hardly say even hi to me. But if I complained about it, he surely wouldn't understand my problem. Fuck off! Just like a second Edel... but I won't make the same mistake again. No way! Damned Gyapjaska! Damned Edelka! I hate dickheads like you all! Go to hell!

Otherwise, I always say, I'm fine alone and such and I like to believe that, but somewhere deep inside I often wonder why I nearly never liked by any guy? Why does no one ever see me? Am I really that insignificant? I don't think I would be such an ugly brat or anything... I wonder why... It's a bit annoying though. Why my roommates, my friends are often asked out by different guys and why I'm not? Anyway, I really think there is no problem with me. But why than? Maybe it's okay this way after all. I don't need any guy! But why it can be...?

2011. szeptember 13., kedd

Going under

Garbage - Cup of coffee

Yesterday was hard. Really. I nearly hit my record in drinking alcohol. I enjoyed myself a lot, but today morning I didn't find it such a good idea, how I thought it was at night. I mustn't make it regular. My stomach hurt like hell, I couldn't eat at all, I was thirsty all day long and the tobbacoo's taste was still in my mouth and I hate it. (Basically I'm not a smoker and I hate the smell of it, but when I drink I need some and last night I smoked really a lot. Too much actually. Disgusting.)

But all I want is not to think and getting drunk is the best way for it I think. Silly, silly me. Actually I just want to forget someone I cannot. (I won't tell his name, but I think everyone can guess his identity from my previous posts.) If I'm drunk, nothing hurts. But it's no good at all. Throwing away my shyness and party with people I don't know too much is nice, but for this reason... In the morning I just lyed in my bed and cursed his name. But it's me after all who pushes myself into this situation. Forget, forget. That's what I need to do. But it's so hard.

Plus, I can't decide if it was a good idea, to move into my classmates flat. I don't trust her, not at all, because I don't know if she really thinks I am an idiot and make fun out of me behind my back. I cannot know what she hides behind her kindness... But she often goes to party and brings me along if I want. I don't know if it's a good or a bad thing in my situation though...

And now here comes today's paragraph from the book I talked about before:

"Az önállóság, vagyis a különállóság csak akkor működik, ha tükörsima vízen vitorlázol. Mert ha vihar kerekedik, nem vonhatod be a vitorlákat és nem állhatsz a kormánynál egyszerre. Szükséged van valakire.(...) Valaki, aki fogta a kormányt, míg én behúztam a vitorlákat és felmértem a károkat. Az a gond, hogy ha egyszer már átvette valaki a kormányt, akkor megszokod, hogy társsal dolgozol. És amikor lecsap a következő vihar, és egyedül vagy, még tehetetlenebbnek, még magányosabbnak érzed magad.
Akár be is vallhatom."

2011. szeptember 11., vasárnap

Back here

It's been a long time since I posted anything. And it's because I didn't really have anything to write about (I could only just repeat myself) and anyway, I had better things to do somehow. But maybe now that school begins again, I will write here more frequently. Maybe. What I expect from this schoolyear? It will be tough. I want to study welll, I want to take up rowing (at least try it) and I want to go out more recently than last year (and drink a lot. Of course I'm not longing for orange juice (or maybe orange juice is also okay, but with vodka)=P). I don't know if I will have enough time for each things though.

Anyway, today I just want to share a quotiation from a book I started to read today. Its title is Coffee & kung-fu by Karen Brichoux. I found some paragraphs which is so so true I can't help, but share with everyone I can. So here it is (this time in Hungarian, because I found the translation very good):

"...Jelen pillanatban nem annyira fontos, hogy összejöjjek valakivel.
Ez természetesen szemenszedett hazugság. Mindenkinek mindig fontos, hogy összejöjjön valakivel. Persze szeretünk úgy tenni, mintha nem nagyon keresnénk, de attól még ugyanúgy keresünk. Ránk is érvényesek az evolúció törvényei. És az evolúció általában olyan állatokat produkál, amelyeknek a fajfenntartás elsődleges céljuk. Hát igen, mindannyian keresünk. Csak az a kérdés, hogy a keresésnek muszáj-e abba a felfordulásba torkollnia, ami azzal jár, hogy megpróbálsz együtt lenni és jól kijönni életed hátralévő részében egy másik emberi lénnyel..."

"-Senki sem igazán boldog, aki egyedül van.
- Miért nem?
- Hogy lehetnél az, ha nincs kihez szólnod? Ha nincs, akivel megoszd az életed?
Mintha ezt bárkivel megtehetnéd, aki él. Észrevettem valamit: Azt hiszem, egy csomó ember úgy gondolja, hogyha valakivel közösek a hobbijai, akkor az a valaki már arra is jó, hogy megossza vele az életét. Az ebédlőben a többi nő szeret lelki társakról beszélgetni - én viszont kétlem, hogy tudják, mi a különbség a lelki társ és a hálótársi lét korai szakaszai között. Ez utóbbi az az időszak, amikor nincs szükséged alvásra, evésre, csak a szerelemből élsz. Körülbelül két hétig tart. Ha szerencsés vagy, két hónapig.Onnét kezdve minden téren lejtmenet jön. A pasi, aki "a nagy Ő" volt, most már "az a kretén állat, aki lefeküdt a legjobb barátnőmmel". De hát valószínűleg mindketten szerettetek hegyibiciklizni..."

It's not a big philosophical novel, but I think these thoughts are brilliant. At least for me. Maybe later I will post other paragraphs here as well if I find interesting thoughts like these.

2011. július 14., csütörtök

Don't believe in love

Avril Lavigne - My happy ending

Now it's all done. It's all over. I'm back from Belarus. And now I see what kind of person he really is. A hypocrite, a liar. He acts nice, smile at your face, but when you turn around he betrays you, put the knife into your back immediately.

He treated me like last summer. Like nothing has happened between our two meetings. And basically, really nothing happened. He just ignored me. But who gives a shit about that it hurt my damn feelings? He surely doesn't. Basically, all he can think about is himself. He thinks he is the best, just because he looks good. But a pretty face and a good body is not enough. He still impressed me sexually, but I know, I could never trust him.

This little silly me (or at least a part of me) still want him though. He is too charming. Dangerous. That's the best word for him. And it still hurts deep inside, when I think about that I will never meet him again. But somewhere I know this is the best way.

I'm still wondering though if I should confess to him. Every feeling I have ever felt for me. The positive and the negative feelings as well. But after all I think everything was fine how it was. He wouldn't have been honest to me anyway and knowing that someone fell for him maybe just made his ego even higher. So it's okay after all.

I need time to heal my wounds, but I think I'll be fine. I must be....

2011. június 19., vasárnap

Make me wanna die

The pretty reckless - My medicine

The time has come. For what? To write a new blog post, of course. It has been ages I did. What's new with me? I finished all my exams and now I am on my summer holiday officially. Sunshine, freedom and so on. Everything could be perfect. But of course it wouldn't be me if I didn't create some problems for myself. A life without problems isn't interesting at all after all, right? Problems are the salt of life or whatever.^^'

Though today's problem isn't created by me. Because it's my brother's farewell ceremony from his primary school. I don't mind the ceremony exactly, but I do mind the guests. I just hate when I cannot do what I want, because I should put a smile on my face and talk about stupid things I don't care about at all but I should act like I do. Hell no! I hate it! So much! I just hope that I can survive the day somehow. And also tomorrow morning because my damned relatives will spend the night in our house.-_-

Of course I have other self-created problems, mostly about that bastard, yes. He is just still in my mind, I don't know why. Silly me! He still just ignores me (it's been more than two months that I talked to him last time!), but I still have some kind of feelings for him I guess. I still don't know how to call it though, but it's a fact that mostly he is my last thought before sleeping and the first after waking up. I regulary check his facebook and twitter and such. I think I am a kind of psycho. A fucking maniac. On the other hand, just a little bit more than two weeks and I will meet him. Probably for the last time of my life. Three and a half day. That's all I will have together with him. But this shost time can be a blessing or a curse as well. To be honest, I'm scared. I don't know how will he behave towards me and I also don't know how I should behave towards him. Should I try to be friendly with him? Should I ignore him? Should I be cold and show hate or at least showing how rude I think his behaviour was? Should I try to act like he would be in the same level for me like anyone else? I don't know. And I don't know, what I can do. I am kind of good at hiding my emotions and acting cold. But is it really the right reaction? I am just helpless. Damned self-created problems...

2011. június 4., szombat

Sweet dreams

I am lying on my bed, the lights are out, I'm about to sleep. Sorrowful thoughts comes into my mind, I feel miserable like hell. Then it starts. At first I try not to pay attention to it. But it doesn't stop. I try to get back to my thoughts but it annoys me like hell. It comes closer and closer. And then I hear it in my ears from very close. Okay, it was enough! I don't like violence, but it's much more than I can take. I turn the lights on, get out of my bed, grab my hardback Russian text book from the table and drop it to the wall. I look behind the bed to check if my action was successful. And I see it's lying on the ground. And it's dead!
"Damned moth! At least this time let me feel sorry for myself!" XD

2011. május 13., péntek


Hilary Duff - I am

I'm just bored. So much. Nothing happens today. I have a lot of free time and I don't know what to do with it. It sucks! It's not good at all, because the probability is high that I will start thinking about stupid things. Times like this I often start to feel that nothing in my life has a meaning. I am nothing and I'm heading to nowhere. But I really should stop such thoughts! I am not more worthless than anyone else! I am just a human. Of course I make mistakes and I have bad points. But still, I am not bad! At least not worse than the others.

One thing is certain though. Basically I am alone. But why? The answer is simple. Because I keep too much distance and I am mean. Actually it's because people don't care about me. And I just need someone to care about me. That's me. But maybe they don't care about me, because I am mean. To be honest, I don't know which was earlier. But after all it doesn't really matter. I am mean, because no one really care about me and others don't care about me because I am mean.

Sometimes I feel like  a human trash, really. I cannot see any good points on mine. But other times I know I am valueable. There are people who are prettier, cleverer, braver, more skillful, wiser, more popular, nicer, frendlier, more talkative and so on. I am not good in anything in particular. But there is one thing no one can beat me in. No one can be me. They cannot be like me. No one is in this world who would be more like me. I am special in a way and I know it. Like anyone else. But not in the way I am. I am me, no matter what. It's not always easy, my personality is quite difficult and I know it. But if I change anything inconnection with me, surely I do it for myself not because someone else would like me that way better. Because that wouldn't be me. If I want to change, then I will. But not for anyone else, but me. Others can hate me, dislike me, I don't care. That's just me and I am aware of my values. Or at least I am trying to get to know them. My colours are mine.

So this day is surley not my best though. I feel a bit down, but still, I will remind myself. Now just let me feel a little bit down. Sometimes it is needed. A person cannot be happy and cheerful all the time, right? So just let me be. Today is a day like this. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe.

2011. május 11., szerda

Playing with fire

Play - I must not chase the boys

It is so annyoing! Time just goes on and on and still nothing has changed. My feelings are still the same. Though I know I am worth a lot more than this. I am sure. "I don't care anymore. He is just a scumbag. A moron. It's nice after all that he isn't here. It's better that he doesn't talk to me. I kind of got used to it. I don't even miss it." It's so easy to say things like these. The problem is that they are merely lies. The truth is that I DO CARE. Like hell. But I want to make it an end. But it's not that easy. Not at all. I have a kind of ray of hope though.

It can be stupid, but now I think I can use the same weapon to avoid destruction. I am trying to turn my interest toward someone else. I don't know at all what kind of person he is, but maybe he can help me. Help me out of this mess. I think my defence is strong enough so probably I cannot be beaten more than how I am now. I don't have much hopes for him though. But I just need to try. I don't really believe in my success, but if I don't try, probably I will think about for a long time that what could have been if I had been a little braver. So I just give it a try. Now I am prepared, I think. I cannot be more prepared anyway. But why doesn't he come online? I need to take out the second step of my plan (after that I had to move from the first step, because he reacted positively. It means nothing though. Just that he complicates my life a bit more). Actually I don't have any further plans, but since I don't believe in my success, I don't need to think further either. But I have to do that anyway. I want to know if he can be my saviour or not. And if not, then it's better to make it clear as soon as possible.

This game is dangerous, I think. But I think he cannot hurt me, because I don't let him get that close. Everything will be okay. It has to be okay. I know what I'm doing. But am I really? Is it really okay? It's okay. It will be okay. I cannot be hurt. Right? Damn! I am really a fool....

2011. május 5., csütörtök

Music is my life

Today I don't want to whine about any guys or talking about how shit my life is. No, today I think I have nothing special to say. I could only just repeat myself. What I would like to do today is to make a list about songs and people. There are a lot of songs which remind me of people who are important or at least remarkable in my life. So today I would like to create that list here. At least I can see it clearly as well. I will try not to forget anyone and list all the songs I can match with them. Of course the lyrics is very important in each cases. Actuallly they show my relation with these people very well, I think.

The Belorussian bastard:
Pink: You make me sick
        Private show
        Just like a pill
        Long way to happy
        It's all your fault
        Heartbreak down
        Is it love?
Evanescence: My immortal
                    Bring me to life
Kelly Clarkson: You thought wrong
                       Behind these hazel eyes
                       Where is your heart?
                       Can I have a kiss?
                       All I ever wanted
                       If I can't have you
                      Can we go back?
                      Already gone
Avril Lavigne: Take me away
                      My happy ending
                    Things I'll never say
Ashlee Simpson: Lala
Tóth Gabi: Érte megérte
                Szívemet adnám
Alexandra Burke: The silence
                            Bad boys
Taylor Swift: Teardrops on my guitar
                    Baby don't you break my heart slow
                    I'd lie
                   Tim McGraw
                   The way I love you
                   If this was a movie
Katy Perry: Hot 'n Cold
                   The one that got away
                   Not like the movies
Lady Gaga: Monster
                  Bad romance
Britney Spears: Womanizer
                        Baby one more time
                        Oops...! I did it again
Kesha: The Harold song
Flo Rida feat. Kesha: Right round
Miley Cyrus: 7 things
Sean Kingston feat. Justin Bieber: Eenie meenie
Seether feat. Amy Lee: Broken
Skillet: Comatose
Hercules soundtrack: I won't say I'm in love / Ez nem lehet szerelem / Ich will keinen Mann / 恋してるなんて言えない
Kalafina: Red Moon
Versailles: Destiny - The lovers
                After Cloudia
                Antique in the future
Joy Enriquez: How can I not love you?
AnCafé: Snow scene
Arashi: 君は少しも悪くない
           The bubble
Ohno Satoshi: Rain
Backstreet Boys: Incomplete
Crystal: Sosem múlik el
Koda Kumi: Hands
Utada Hikaru: First love
                      Flavour of life
                      Prisoner of love
Otsuka Ai: Planetarium
Aiko: KissHug
3 Doors Down: Here without you
Aragaki Yui: Heavenly days
Aoyama Thelma: ここに居るよ
Garbage: Cup of coffee
               You look so fine
Groove Coverage: 7 years & 50 days
Groovehouse: Mit ér neked?
Hamasaki Ayumi: I am
                           As if
                           Because of you
                          Happy ending
                          Is this love?
                         In the corner
Hedley: Perfect
Hilary Duff: Holiday
                  Who's that girl?
Leslie Parrish: Remember me
Mandy Moore: I wanna be with you
Nishino Kana: Aitakute aitakute
Pixie Lott: Nothing compares
                Turn it up
Robyn: Be mine
           Dancing on my own
Rascal Flatts: What hurts the most
State of Shock: Money honey
Sugarcult: Pretty girl
Sweetbox: Human sacrifice
System of a down: Lonely day
Taeyang: Wedding dress
Taio Cruz: Break your heart
Tatu: Show me love
        You and I
        Fly on the wall
Beyoncé feat. Shakira: Beautiful liar
The Calling: Things don't always turn out that way
The Veronicas: In another life
Therre Days Grace: I hate everything about you
                              Over and over
YUI: Umbrella
Zanzibar: Csalódott vagyok
                Ha nem maradt más
                Új napra ébredsz
Kiss: Because I'm a girl
Bright: 嫌い・・・でも好き
Pintácsi Viki: Sorsod irányít
Fiesta: Könnyebb lesz így
Bot Gábor: Kevés egy dal
Tarja Turunen: Poison
Tankcsapda: Azt mondom állj
                    Gyűrd össze a lepedőt velem
Fergie feat. Koda Kumi: That ain't cool
Fergie: Big girls don't cry
Rihanna: Cry
              I love the way you lie
              Hate that I love you
Koda Kumi feat. Misono: It's all love
Umberto Tozzi feat. Monica Bellucci: Ti amo
Guild: 夜の月
Emilie Autumn: Chambermaid
Cascada: Miracle
               Ready for love

My best friend (Kitty):
Avril Lavigne: Keep holding on
Nishino Kana: Best friend
Tatu: All about us
         Not gonna get us
Taylor Swift: I'm only me when I'm with you
Emilie Autumn: By the sword

My mother:
Sugarloaf: Fogd a két kezem
Taylor Swift: Never grow up
                    The best day

My grandmother:
Avril Lavigne: Slipped away
Hamasaki Ayumi: Memorial address
                           Untitled - for her
Christina Aguilera: Hurt
Aqua: Turn back time

My father:
Taylor Swift: Superman

My high school classmates:
Kelly Clarkson: Breakaway
Sandy Sinnamon: Only a  memory away
Kamenashi Kazuya: Kizuna
Takaki Yuya: 俺たちの青春
Pokemon soundtrack: Everything changes / Minden változik
                                   The time has come / Eljött a perc

The pshycho guy:
Hilary Duff: Between you and me
Sweetbox: Don't push me

Avril Lavigne: Don't tell me
Pink: U + Ur hand
Hien: Túl szép
Emilie Autumn: How strange
                        Marry me

My (ex)best friend from high school:
Pink: Who knew?

Lady Gaga: Silly boy
Avril Lavigne: Complicated
                      Too much to ask
Gwen Stefani: Cool
Zanzibar: Szerelemről szó sem volt

Myself (because I'm also an important person to myself of course =P And naturally my philosophy is also important XD):
Pink: Slipped personality
         Try too hard
         Cuz I can
         Fuckin' perfect
         Nobody knows
         Most girls
        Stop falling
        Do what U do
       Get the party started
       18 wheeler
       Dear diary
      Misery (feat. Steven Tyler)
      Respect (feat. Scratch)
      Don't let me get me
      Lonely girl (feat. Linda Perry)
      My Vietnam
Meredithg Brooks: I'm a bitch
Elize: I can be a bitch
Avril Lavigne: What the hell
                      I don't have to try
                     The best damn thing
                     How does it feel?
Miley Cyrus: Can't be tamed
Hilary Duff: I am
Zanzibar: Az igazi nevem
              Ádám keresi Évát
              Ha megtalálsz
              Nem vagyok tökéletes
              Lehetek a...
Hamasaki Ayumi: Missunderstood
Koda Kumi: Lollipop
                    Can we go back?
Tankcsapda: Be vagyok rúgva
Ashlee Simpson: L.O.V.E.
Kelly Clarkson: Miss Independent
Sandy Howell: Oh starry night
Rie Fu: Life is like a boat
Rihanna: Hard
Lady Gaga: Pokerface
Emilie Autumn: Shalott
                        Misery loves company
Katy Perry: Firework
Alexandra Burke: Broken heels
Play: I don't want to be like Cinderella
        I must not chase the boys

If you really read this post till the end, then you are a hero. Or just a complete idiot, who is too bored and have nothing else better or more useful to do, hehe =P
I hope I didn't miss anything or anyone. If I did, then maybe later I will edit this list. Anyway, I think it also shows pretty well, what or who fills most of my thoughts^^' Damn!

2011. április 8., péntek

I love you... chivas

Lady Gaga - BoysBoysBoys

As a main rule I don't write blog on the weekend, when I am at home, because I have a lot of other things to do. I mean things I can only do at home. For example listening to music loud and running in my room upside down from wall to wall. Maybe it's crazy, but I love it. It makes me calm. Really. I don't mind if others think I am an idiot because of it. I love it and that's what it matters. But anyway, now I have to write this post anyway. I have to share my thoughts now before the feelings go away.

I just saw a damn hot guy on the subway! Really. An Asian (probably Chinese) boy with long hair. Just like I would have been in heaven. He was so hot! And also we changed to the same line. When I saw that he also get off the subway, I started following him. Of course if he had gone to a different direction than me, I wouldn't have done that, but this way what harm it could have caused? Watching is not a bad thing, is it? However, it was a bit funny. On the elevator I stood behind him and I think he might have realized that I follow him. At least he looked back at me. He must have been thinking that I am psycho or have never seen Asian or something like that. A girl in black coat who is chasing after him... Anyway, I enjoyed myself a lot! But anyway, I gave him the chance, because after that I went before him, but he also chose to get in to the first part of the subway. Also he stood at the same door as me. Only just about 1 or 2 meter from me! So cool! Actually it was the first time that I wished the subway would have been more crowded so I could get more close to him. But still, it was really cool. That was such a good day of mine because of! A day that ends like this cannot be bad anyway! I could really just jump around after this. Even though nothing really happened. My hormones were just running in my veins I guess. But I liked it. He was just so hot. It's very rare to see such a hot guy. I have to admit, I might hate the capital because it's overcrowded, dirty and smelly, but in one thing it owns my hometown: there are a lot more hot guy there. Though maybe just because there are much more people live there. But anyway.

Last week I went to a disco to have party in my hometown. And about the boys, it was tragic. I didn't really see any hot guy and also, I saw only two boys with long hair all night. And they were just kind of okay, but not too good as well. Too bad. Where are all the long haired hot guys? Damn Romans for making a fashion out of short hair among men. Long hair for boys is hot! I want more boys with long hair!

By the way, I just realized that nearly all of my posts here are about boys. Dammit! Most of the people around me think I don't give a damn about boys. If they saw this blog! All I do is wheeping about boys. Or sometimes I am angry or sometimes just like now, I am happy, but because of boys. How crazy! Maybe it's just a defensive mechanism from me that I act like I totally ignore boys and don't care about them. I just wish I didn't care about them. But I do. Too much.

Actually recently I realized boys and alcohol are really alike. Both can make me feel good like heaven and bad like hell. The main difference is in case of alcohol with a little experience I can learn when, how much alcohol how effects me. About boys it's just totally random. I can never know. I don't know which one is better though.

Maybe boys often gets into my nerve, but no matter how much I hate it, I have to admit, I think I couldn't live without them after all. Because I am a stupid girl as I have mentioned it before. I cannot change it. It's like a curse, but I have to get used to it I think. I have no chance. Maybe I could become a lesbian. But I don't think it would work. Damn!

Anyway, though I was last week, I still want to party. I want to drink alcohol and get a bit drunk. Boys can be confusing and stupid, but I can always count on alcohol. No, I am not an alcoholist. But I think now I really need to get a bit drunk. Again and again. At least alcohol is reliable if boys aren't. So where is that bottle?

2011. március 28., hétfő

Is it love?

Alexandra Burke - The silence

Why is it have to be like this? Why is that I can't get him out of my mind? Why is that even one cold, careless word of his can hurt me so bad that I want to scream and cry? We are just going in circles and I can never know what he really thinks about me and it slowly kills me off. If he doesn't want me then I want him to just knock me down. To break me into pieces. Small pieces. I want him to hurt me so bad that I can't stand up. But not these sudden, small cuts, because it just tears up my wounds again and again, not letting them heal. It's so cruel!

He might not do it on purpose, but he confuses me all the time. When I think I can make everything clear inconnection with him, he starts to act cold and ignore me totally. Than when I am about to give him up and struggling really hard to forget him, he just turns up again and talking so nicely to me that this stupid me forgive and forget everything and hope that this time it will be different. But no, never. When everything seems right, with a sudden turn he knocks me down again and again. And here we are again. Never going anywhere. Only my heart is in pieces, but who gives a shit about it? I don't know how long I can stand it. I don't understand a thing and it really kills me out. This stabbing he does from time to time, it hurts like hell!

People say you shouldn't run after a car which doesn't pick you up. In other words, don't chase the impossible. Anyway, I am tired of running. And I have never met such a crazy car-driver! He stops from time to time, tell me to hop in, but when I want to get in, he just speed up, so I cannot. But when I am about to give up chasing, he stops again. What sense it makes? And I am so stupid as well, why am I still running?

Why? Why and again why? I am the biggest fool of the world! Why do I still want him so badly? That fucking bastard who does nothing but hurts me again and again? And anyway, why can he hurt me? Basically I am just so cold-hearted and no one can reach my damn emotions no matter how much they want. But he can hurt me even with doing nothing. I am desperately trying to bulid up walls against his attacks, trying to keep him away, but even with saying nothing, even with his cold ignorance, he can hurt me so so bad that I want to cry.

Basically, what is this pain that comes from my chest everytime he acts cold towards me? It's still just sexual attraction. A very very strong sexual attraction. It's not love, right? It cannot be. But... if it is love, it's troublesome. But if it is not, it is maybe even more troublesome, because that means love is something even worse. Oh, damn! It sucks anyway! I just want these feelings to disappear! It doesn't do me any good anyway. But what can I do for it? Damn! Damn! Damn!

2011. március 21., hétfő

Love me for me

Hilary Duff - Dreamer

Another type of boy I can't stand. Why do I have to meet all of my nightmares disguised as a guy? There he is an egoist fool who made me fall for him and now I am his puppet. Because I am. No matter how much I hate it. He can make me move so easier like a marionett. But today I don't want to write about that. No, not again. Not this time. Today about someone else. Just a newcomer in my life. A newcomer who needed only about three days to get into my nerve.

Actually I assumed he is not for me only after a few hours. Now I am sure about it. At first he was just annoying. I was just like what the hell? He talks about his incomes, his ownings, his family, his education, his day, his bad habits, his hobbies, his scores, his everything. Yes, everything is about him. He said, he is very serious and he wants me to know everything about him. But I don't think that is the way. It won't get him closer to me. He cannot make the road shorter anyway, no matter how much he wants it. He just talks about himself this and that and only I could say is so what? Why should I care? Why do you talk about such things to a totally stranger? I would ask him, but I say nothing. And next day I realize he is not only annoying. He is a fucking stalker! Checking my facebook, checking my family through it, checking my interests, checking everything. Fuck! That sucks! Luckily he cannot find out my number and address. Otherwise, surely he would come to my home, I bet. Fucking scarry! But it can be worse. I am still okay, but here comes the turn. On the third day he asks about my style in clothing and such. And he thinks I am not elegant enough to him. So he will be a bit more informal he says and we can go to buy clothes for me together. WTF? But he isn't joking.
Damn, he doesn't even know who I am! He just talks and talks and doesn't care about me. It's okay, I don't talk, but still, it sucks. Really. He just saw some photos about me and imagine a personality for me. But what if I am nothing like that? He doesn't give a damn about it. He just wants me to transform into the girl he imagined. Hell no! I won't! There's no way for it! There is a saying sound something like "It's better if you hate me for what I am, than if you love me for what I am not.

I am just me. And I won't change for anyone else but me. So if someone doesn't like it, too bad for him. I can show him the door and that's all.

I wanted to be nice to him, really. I tried. I kept my comments to myself. I just thought, hey, I don't even know him, he deserves a chance. But he lost it at the beginning. It won't work out anyway, I know. Maybe I should put an end to it, because maybe if I let it go further, he might be dangerous. But not in a way like that Belorussian bastard. In a more dangerous way. That scumbag only can harm me with breaking my heart and such. But a stalker like him can be harmful even physically for me and even for my family. I don't know him at all after all. I don't know how further he can go. I must be beware. But maybe he will be bored with me sooner than this happens. Who knows? Maybe I will keep it up for a while, just to see what happens. Damn, why do I like playing with fire so much?

2011. március 16., szerda

I wish I were a man

Taylor Swift - Tell me why

I am the world's biggest fool. Really. Now it's official. Guys just drive girls crazy. And even though he is such a scumbag, I still can't help, but fall for him. I hate being a girl. It sucks! It's not enough that I have to face such troubles like menstruation, PMS and I should learn to do make-up, cooking and so on, I have stupid, bothersome emotions for a guy who doesn't deserve it at all. Sometimes I really would like to kick his ass and hurt him really bad. I want to beat him up so much! But I know I can't. Because one nice sentence, one smile, one look from him is enough to ease my anger. Shit! But why?

Actually I just thought about that I always have crushes with boys who has too much self-confidence. In other words, they have such a big ego that they nearly fall over it. But really, all the boys I have liked until now are common in this personality skill. He is also like that. I think it is because I don't really have self-confidence at all. I always think I am not too nice, not too pretty, not too clever, not too skillful, can't do this and can't do that. Maybe that's why I am attracted by firm, self-confident guys. Basically, I can't stand boys, who needs leading. But firm guys often seems to have a big ego. Too bad for me.

Really, sometimes I just wish I were a boy. Everything would be easier I think. Boys' life seems a lot more easier than girls'. I want that! I don't want to bother with PMS, menstruation, clothes, make-up and such! And mostly, I don't want to deal with boys! They are so stupid! I like them as friends mostly, but when it comes to romantic relationship, it just hell! Damn, really I want to be a lesbian sometimes. Too bad I am not that...

Enough of it, I could write pages about my complaints, but would it matter at all? I don't think so. But anyway... SOMEBODY PLEASE SAVE ME FROM THIS MESS!!!!!!!!!

2011. március 6., vasárnap

Your destiny leads you

Pintácsi Viki - Sorsod irányít (Fiorella)

So here's the lyrics I was talking about in English. I am sorry if I made any mistakes in the translation.

Destiny is like this,
At first you don't believe what you see,
Than the dance begins,
And you walk in his footsteps.

You follow him,
You don't even know where you go anymore,
When you see through the mask,
Your heart is already his prisoner.
You believed it was a disguise, but he makes more punctual plans
Though he is lying the whole time, he can conquer easily.
He looks like a human, even though he plays with lives,
He promises a hundred kisses and a lot of other things for your heart!

Dance through a night with him,
But in the morning you had better escape,
Because he catches you and doesn't let you go anymore,
With his kisses he burns you to the ashes.

He cheats you before you realize it,
The North light became his lamp,
Every morning wind is his fellow,
It spreads his name cards.

Only believe in what you see,
A pretty word fly far away,
And you can wait forever.

You know well,
Life is a movie,
But if your destiny leads you,
Your heart can break easily.

2011. február 28., hétfő

Stupid girls

Pink - Heartbreaker

Us girls are fools. Really. Now I am sure about it. At least I am an idiot. How can a girl like a guy when it's obvious even for her that he is a real jerk. That makes no sense. Even if you know that he is so astute, lies and surely doesn't take you seriously, you just still fall for him. And why? Because when you figured out what he really is, it's just too late. He just caught you with his kindness, his politeness, his smile and his sparkling eyes. And when you figure out his disguise, you are already caught and there is no way back. (Actually there is an old song in Hungarian which discribes this feeling very well. When I go home for weekend I will translate it for you or for myself, since no one reads my blog as far as I know=P) Anyway, now I am in a situation like that.

I fall for a guy, though I know probably he's just playing around with me. That sucks, really. He's ego is too much, I know it. And after all I am surely a perfect goal for him, because I live far and after I get back from his country in summer, he will never have to see me. So he can just mess around, he can go as far as he wants, and as far I let him go and there will be no consequences. I go home and he doesn't need to bother with things like turning me down after he had enough of me. Perfect match, surely.

Open relationship. That's his status on facebook. Maybe he just wants to show off. But if not, than I am really a perfect match. Anyway, what does an open relationship mean? In my reading: "I can have sex with any girl I want, but at the end I go back to one, who I have sex more time than with the others." Is it a relationship? Actually I don't have problems with those who do that, but if I had a boyfriend who would tell me to live in an open relationship at least I would beat him up as an answer and the next thing he would see is my back. But everyone has a different taste.

Anyway, I am nearly sure about that what he wants is just playing a little, enjoying himself and such. But still I am falling for him. I am such an idiot....

2011. február 21., hétfő

Here I am... but why?

It's a great mistery why I start writing diary or blog again and again from time to time. Actually it wasn't that long ago when I started writing a blog somewhere else. I still didn't give it up, but now I am in a middle of a very hard post. It's not easy to finish it for some emotional reason. But I am trying hard. Until that I decided to start a normal blog where I wont follow any concept, just write about what's on my mind at the moment.
To be honest, my best friend is who inspired me to start this blog, though she doesn't know it yet. She also writes blogs both in Hungarian and English. I don't want to copy her, but I think I can express my feelings more in English.
Though it might seem strange, since everybody knows that everyone can express their feelings in their mothertongue the best. But somehow I feel that in English it's just less embarrassing. In Hungarian every words has a deeper meaning for me. For example I could say "I love you" to anyone easily in English, in German ("ich liebe dich"), in Japanese ("愛してる") or in Russian ("я люблю тебя"), but not in Hungarian. Because in Hungarian it should actuallly come from my heart. In Hungarian and only in Hungarian I feel the weight of the expression. I don't know, but I guess everybody is like this. Mothertongue has a kind of magic for everyone. Everyone thinks in their mothertongue, I think that's why it is.
That's why I chose English for expressing my thoughts and feelings. It isn't my mothertongue, but I can express nearly everything in it I want. Without that deep bond I have to Hungarian.
So from now on I will post my thoughts here, when I feel like. Maybe sometimes it will be confusing and will be hard to follow my way of thinking, but I will try to be clear in express what I want to. As much as I can.