2011. december 8., csütörtök

Show me where it hurts you

Now I'm in a very bad mood again. So deep in depression. I don't really want to talk about it though. Everything feels senseless, all are never mind. I feel nothing but emptiness inside of me. No good. Anyway, what I would like to share I just understand one scene from a movie I've seen quite a while ago. It's from a Japanese movie called Tokyo Tower (starring MatsuJun who is my ichiban. The movie isn't really that good, but there are really hot sex scenes with him in it, that's why I love it :P). So the scene is near at the end of the movie and the plot is that a younger playboy gets into a relationship with an older house-wife. He doesn't treat her very nicely, he only deals with her when he wants, otherwise take his time with other women, doesn't answer her call and such, which makes the women obviously disappointed. She tries to break up with him more times, but finally she always give in to him and make up again and again. So in this scene, when she sees him on the road in a sport car with another girl, she crashes into his car on purpose more times. His car got damaged so he gets out the car and starts yelling at the woman. That's when the woman says, when the guy asks her why did she do that:
"Always I was the one who was angry, finally I wanted to see you angry. However, you should be a lot more angrier."

Actually I've always supported the man in this movie, I liked how he could get away with this playboy lifestyle. However, now I really understand a woman. I also would be happy to see him angry. I want to see emotions from him. As strong as possible. Emotions I cause in him. Positive or negative, now never mind. I just want to get some.

2011. december 3., szombat

Inner demons

Reading blogs sometimes really an interesting thing. I don't think people would share every thoughts they have here, I cannot know someone just from his / her blog, but really I can learn some things. Just thinking about myself, I also relieve here some thoughts I don't really share anywhere else. Why? Yes, I know that anyone can read it, but still, without my name and my face it's somehow not that hard. Of course anyone can find out my identity etc. etc. But somehow it's still different, even though it's public.

By the way, I think I can say I'm pretty good at online stalking. It's not something I'm proud of though. I just have quite a lot free time to do and why not? When you have a depressed, melancholic and asocial personality like mine. (By the way, most people don't know the difference between asocialists and anti-socialists.Asocialists are those, who has problem with treating other people, communicating other people, making closer relationships with people. While anti-socialists are sociopaths with an other world. So they have problem with emotions, letting people close to them and such. So maybe the only thing common is the difficulty in making closer relations, maybe, but that's not the point now.) Anyway, I realized that I'm really not ready dealing with other people's problems. I have way too many for myself.

I do have friends, now I'm sure. Those fellows from university is somewhat dear to me. Really. I feel I belong to them in a rate. I cannot open my heart to them, but still. I'm a part of their group anyway. Feels good, but not enough.

Some days ago I was scolded by a guy I don't know that much, but sometimes I talk to him online. He said I already wasted half of my university life with this shit I'm in right now and I really should change. I know I should, but it's not that easy. I don't know if I can do it alone, but I must. I have to learn doing everything alone. I cannot depend on anyone emotionally. But I know this thing cannot be solved alone. I can do what I have to do, but I feel empty inside. I just feel nothing. Nothing at all. I like being drunk, because at least that time my dark thoughts go away. The rest, doesn't matter. I study, because I have to, I will go to Norway for half a year, just because I want something to happen. But really never mind. I want to pass my exams, but if not, never mind. Doesn't matter. What is missing? What could change this? Now I don't know.

For a while I thought maybe if I found love or something, this might help. Now I think probably not. If I think about it deeper, every people have inner demons. And I think mine are too much. Too much for someone else to bear. And also it would be too much for me to bear someone else's as well. I still like a guy who is impossible for me and he has a lot of inner demons. I cannot know them fully, but I think his burden is probably as heavy as mine is. Totally different, but heavy. I couldn't help him and he couldn't help me anyway. It wouldn't change my feelings immediately, but it's a fact anyway. No matter what I do, I have to do alone. I don't where I'm heading for this way, though.