2011. május 13., péntek


Hilary Duff - I am

I'm just bored. So much. Nothing happens today. I have a lot of free time and I don't know what to do with it. It sucks! It's not good at all, because the probability is high that I will start thinking about stupid things. Times like this I often start to feel that nothing in my life has a meaning. I am nothing and I'm heading to nowhere. But I really should stop such thoughts! I am not more worthless than anyone else! I am just a human. Of course I make mistakes and I have bad points. But still, I am not bad! At least not worse than the others.

One thing is certain though. Basically I am alone. But why? The answer is simple. Because I keep too much distance and I am mean. Actually it's because people don't care about me. And I just need someone to care about me. That's me. But maybe they don't care about me, because I am mean. To be honest, I don't know which was earlier. But after all it doesn't really matter. I am mean, because no one really care about me and others don't care about me because I am mean.

Sometimes I feel like  a human trash, really. I cannot see any good points on mine. But other times I know I am valueable. There are people who are prettier, cleverer, braver, more skillful, wiser, more popular, nicer, frendlier, more talkative and so on. I am not good in anything in particular. But there is one thing no one can beat me in. No one can be me. They cannot be like me. No one is in this world who would be more like me. I am special in a way and I know it. Like anyone else. But not in the way I am. I am me, no matter what. It's not always easy, my personality is quite difficult and I know it. But if I change anything inconnection with me, surely I do it for myself not because someone else would like me that way better. Because that wouldn't be me. If I want to change, then I will. But not for anyone else, but me. Others can hate me, dislike me, I don't care. That's just me and I am aware of my values. Or at least I am trying to get to know them. My colours are mine.

So this day is surley not my best though. I feel a bit down, but still, I will remind myself. Now just let me feel a little bit down. Sometimes it is needed. A person cannot be happy and cheerful all the time, right? So just let me be. Today is a day like this. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe.

2011. május 11., szerda

Playing with fire

Play - I must not chase the boys

It is so annyoing! Time just goes on and on and still nothing has changed. My feelings are still the same. Though I know I am worth a lot more than this. I am sure. "I don't care anymore. He is just a scumbag. A moron. It's nice after all that he isn't here. It's better that he doesn't talk to me. I kind of got used to it. I don't even miss it." It's so easy to say things like these. The problem is that they are merely lies. The truth is that I DO CARE. Like hell. But I want to make it an end. But it's not that easy. Not at all. I have a kind of ray of hope though.

It can be stupid, but now I think I can use the same weapon to avoid destruction. I am trying to turn my interest toward someone else. I don't know at all what kind of person he is, but maybe he can help me. Help me out of this mess. I think my defence is strong enough so probably I cannot be beaten more than how I am now. I don't have much hopes for him though. But I just need to try. I don't really believe in my success, but if I don't try, probably I will think about for a long time that what could have been if I had been a little braver. So I just give it a try. Now I am prepared, I think. I cannot be more prepared anyway. But why doesn't he come online? I need to take out the second step of my plan (after that I had to move from the first step, because he reacted positively. It means nothing though. Just that he complicates my life a bit more). Actually I don't have any further plans, but since I don't believe in my success, I don't need to think further either. But I have to do that anyway. I want to know if he can be my saviour or not. And if not, then it's better to make it clear as soon as possible.

This game is dangerous, I think. But I think he cannot hurt me, because I don't let him get that close. Everything will be okay. It has to be okay. I know what I'm doing. But am I really? Is it really okay? It's okay. It will be okay. I cannot be hurt. Right? Damn! I am really a fool....

2011. május 5., csütörtök

Music is my life

Today I don't want to whine about any guys or talking about how shit my life is. No, today I think I have nothing special to say. I could only just repeat myself. What I would like to do today is to make a list about songs and people. There are a lot of songs which remind me of people who are important or at least remarkable in my life. So today I would like to create that list here. At least I can see it clearly as well. I will try not to forget anyone and list all the songs I can match with them. Of course the lyrics is very important in each cases. Actuallly they show my relation with these people very well, I think.

The Belorussian bastard:
Pink: You make me sick
        Private show
        Just like a pill
        Long way to happy
        It's all your fault
        Heartbreak down
        Is it love?
Evanescence: My immortal
                    Bring me to life
Kelly Clarkson: You thought wrong
                       Behind these hazel eyes
                       Where is your heart?
                       Can I have a kiss?
                       All I ever wanted
                       If I can't have you
                      Can we go back?
                      Already gone
Avril Lavigne: Take me away
                      My happy ending
                    Things I'll never say
Ashlee Simpson: Lala
Tóth Gabi: Érte megérte
                Szívemet adnám
Alexandra Burke: The silence
                            Bad boys
Taylor Swift: Teardrops on my guitar
                    Baby don't you break my heart slow
                    I'd lie
                   Tim McGraw
                   The way I love you
                   If this was a movie
Katy Perry: Hot 'n Cold
                   The one that got away
                   Not like the movies
Lady Gaga: Monster
                  Bad romance
Britney Spears: Womanizer
                        Baby one more time
                        Oops...! I did it again
Kesha: The Harold song
Flo Rida feat. Kesha: Right round
Miley Cyrus: 7 things
Sean Kingston feat. Justin Bieber: Eenie meenie
Seether feat. Amy Lee: Broken
Skillet: Comatose
Hercules soundtrack: I won't say I'm in love / Ez nem lehet szerelem / Ich will keinen Mann / 恋してるなんて言えない
Kalafina: Red Moon
Versailles: Destiny - The lovers
                After Cloudia
                Antique in the future
Joy Enriquez: How can I not love you?
AnCafé: Snow scene
Arashi: 君は少しも悪くない
           The bubble
Ohno Satoshi: Rain
Backstreet Boys: Incomplete
Crystal: Sosem múlik el
Koda Kumi: Hands
Utada Hikaru: First love
                      Flavour of life
                      Prisoner of love
Otsuka Ai: Planetarium
Aiko: KissHug
3 Doors Down: Here without you
Aragaki Yui: Heavenly days
Aoyama Thelma: ここに居るよ
Garbage: Cup of coffee
               You look so fine
Groove Coverage: 7 years & 50 days
Groovehouse: Mit ér neked?
Hamasaki Ayumi: I am
                           As if
                           Because of you
                          Happy ending
                          Is this love?
                         In the corner
Hedley: Perfect
Hilary Duff: Holiday
                  Who's that girl?
Leslie Parrish: Remember me
Mandy Moore: I wanna be with you
Nishino Kana: Aitakute aitakute
Pixie Lott: Nothing compares
                Turn it up
Robyn: Be mine
           Dancing on my own
Rascal Flatts: What hurts the most
State of Shock: Money honey
Sugarcult: Pretty girl
Sweetbox: Human sacrifice
System of a down: Lonely day
Taeyang: Wedding dress
Taio Cruz: Break your heart
Tatu: Show me love
        You and I
        Fly on the wall
Beyoncé feat. Shakira: Beautiful liar
The Calling: Things don't always turn out that way
The Veronicas: In another life
Therre Days Grace: I hate everything about you
                              Over and over
YUI: Umbrella
Zanzibar: Csalódott vagyok
                Ha nem maradt más
                Új napra ébredsz
Kiss: Because I'm a girl
Bright: 嫌い・・・でも好き
Pintácsi Viki: Sorsod irányít
Fiesta: Könnyebb lesz így
Bot Gábor: Kevés egy dal
Tarja Turunen: Poison
Tankcsapda: Azt mondom állj
                    Gyűrd össze a lepedőt velem
Fergie feat. Koda Kumi: That ain't cool
Fergie: Big girls don't cry
Rihanna: Cry
              I love the way you lie
              Hate that I love you
Koda Kumi feat. Misono: It's all love
Umberto Tozzi feat. Monica Bellucci: Ti amo
Guild: 夜の月
Emilie Autumn: Chambermaid
Cascada: Miracle
               Ready for love

My best friend (Kitty):
Avril Lavigne: Keep holding on
Nishino Kana: Best friend
Tatu: All about us
         Not gonna get us
Taylor Swift: I'm only me when I'm with you
Emilie Autumn: By the sword

My mother:
Sugarloaf: Fogd a két kezem
Taylor Swift: Never grow up
                    The best day

My grandmother:
Avril Lavigne: Slipped away
Hamasaki Ayumi: Memorial address
                           Untitled - for her
Christina Aguilera: Hurt
Aqua: Turn back time

My father:
Taylor Swift: Superman

My high school classmates:
Kelly Clarkson: Breakaway
Sandy Sinnamon: Only a  memory away
Kamenashi Kazuya: Kizuna
Takaki Yuya: 俺たちの青春
Pokemon soundtrack: Everything changes / Minden változik
                                   The time has come / Eljött a perc

The pshycho guy:
Hilary Duff: Between you and me
Sweetbox: Don't push me

Avril Lavigne: Don't tell me
Pink: U + Ur hand
Hien: Túl szép
Emilie Autumn: How strange
                        Marry me

My (ex)best friend from high school:
Pink: Who knew?

Lady Gaga: Silly boy
Avril Lavigne: Complicated
                      Too much to ask
Gwen Stefani: Cool
Zanzibar: Szerelemről szó sem volt

Myself (because I'm also an important person to myself of course =P And naturally my philosophy is also important XD):
Pink: Slipped personality
         Try too hard
         Cuz I can
         Fuckin' perfect
         Nobody knows
         Most girls
        Stop falling
        Do what U do
       Get the party started
       18 wheeler
       Dear diary
      Misery (feat. Steven Tyler)
      Respect (feat. Scratch)
      Don't let me get me
      Lonely girl (feat. Linda Perry)
      My Vietnam
Meredithg Brooks: I'm a bitch
Elize: I can be a bitch
Avril Lavigne: What the hell
                      I don't have to try
                     The best damn thing
                     How does it feel?
Miley Cyrus: Can't be tamed
Hilary Duff: I am
Zanzibar: Az igazi nevem
              Ádám keresi Évát
              Ha megtalálsz
              Nem vagyok tökéletes
              Lehetek a...
Hamasaki Ayumi: Missunderstood
Koda Kumi: Lollipop
                    Can we go back?
Tankcsapda: Be vagyok rúgva
Ashlee Simpson: L.O.V.E.
Kelly Clarkson: Miss Independent
Sandy Howell: Oh starry night
Rie Fu: Life is like a boat
Rihanna: Hard
Lady Gaga: Pokerface
Emilie Autumn: Shalott
                        Misery loves company
Katy Perry: Firework
Alexandra Burke: Broken heels
Play: I don't want to be like Cinderella
        I must not chase the boys

If you really read this post till the end, then you are a hero. Or just a complete idiot, who is too bored and have nothing else better or more useful to do, hehe =P
I hope I didn't miss anything or anyone. If I did, then maybe later I will edit this list. Anyway, I think it also shows pretty well, what or who fills most of my thoughts^^' Damn!