2012. január 4., szerda

I'm just a sucker with no self esteem

I just found this song some days ago and it describes my situation pretty well. So if anyone wonders, just listen to the lyrics carefully. Mostly it can be used to my situation. Mostly. Not totally, but mostly. So now no comment, just purely the song.

2012. január 3., kedd

I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

I'm numb like hell. I will sleep less than 4 hours before my Roman law exam and I just don't give a fuck. It is my most important in this semester and I just cannot care. I'm not confident at all, though. I didn't want to fail in front of this teacher, because his opinion was important to me. Now even this thought cannot motivate me. I want to feel something. Anything. But there's just nothing. Complete emptiness inside of me. Even some kind of worry or fear would be enough. But nothing's here. Everything seems senseless. I don't care. I don't care about university, I don't care about my future, I don't care about my journey to Norway, I don't care about my fucked Russian or Japanese. I don't care about anybody either. Recently I started to think again that death wouldn't be a bad thing.

I would need help. But what kind of help? Who or what could help it? Who could save me from my own self? My demons are taking over me again. And now I'm not strong enough to fight against them. I try to endure, but I don't know how long I can keep up with it....