2011. március 28., hétfő

Is it love?

Alexandra Burke - The silence

Why is it have to be like this? Why is that I can't get him out of my mind? Why is that even one cold, careless word of his can hurt me so bad that I want to scream and cry? We are just going in circles and I can never know what he really thinks about me and it slowly kills me off. If he doesn't want me then I want him to just knock me down. To break me into pieces. Small pieces. I want him to hurt me so bad that I can't stand up. But not these sudden, small cuts, because it just tears up my wounds again and again, not letting them heal. It's so cruel!

He might not do it on purpose, but he confuses me all the time. When I think I can make everything clear inconnection with him, he starts to act cold and ignore me totally. Than when I am about to give him up and struggling really hard to forget him, he just turns up again and talking so nicely to me that this stupid me forgive and forget everything and hope that this time it will be different. But no, never. When everything seems right, with a sudden turn he knocks me down again and again. And here we are again. Never going anywhere. Only my heart is in pieces, but who gives a shit about it? I don't know how long I can stand it. I don't understand a thing and it really kills me out. This stabbing he does from time to time, it hurts like hell!

People say you shouldn't run after a car which doesn't pick you up. In other words, don't chase the impossible. Anyway, I am tired of running. And I have never met such a crazy car-driver! He stops from time to time, tell me to hop in, but when I want to get in, he just speed up, so I cannot. But when I am about to give up chasing, he stops again. What sense it makes? And I am so stupid as well, why am I still running?

Why? Why and again why? I am the biggest fool of the world! Why do I still want him so badly? That fucking bastard who does nothing but hurts me again and again? And anyway, why can he hurt me? Basically I am just so cold-hearted and no one can reach my damn emotions no matter how much they want. But he can hurt me even with doing nothing. I am desperately trying to bulid up walls against his attacks, trying to keep him away, but even with saying nothing, even with his cold ignorance, he can hurt me so so bad that I want to cry.

Basically, what is this pain that comes from my chest everytime he acts cold towards me? It's still just sexual attraction. A very very strong sexual attraction. It's not love, right? It cannot be. But... if it is love, it's troublesome. But if it is not, it is maybe even more troublesome, because that means love is something even worse. Oh, damn! It sucks anyway! I just want these feelings to disappear! It doesn't do me any good anyway. But what can I do for it? Damn! Damn! Damn!

2011. március 21., hétfő

Love me for me

Hilary Duff - Dreamer

Another type of boy I can't stand. Why do I have to meet all of my nightmares disguised as a guy? There he is an egoist fool who made me fall for him and now I am his puppet. Because I am. No matter how much I hate it. He can make me move so easier like a marionett. But today I don't want to write about that. No, not again. Not this time. Today about someone else. Just a newcomer in my life. A newcomer who needed only about three days to get into my nerve.

Actually I assumed he is not for me only after a few hours. Now I am sure about it. At first he was just annoying. I was just like what the hell? He talks about his incomes, his ownings, his family, his education, his day, his bad habits, his hobbies, his scores, his everything. Yes, everything is about him. He said, he is very serious and he wants me to know everything about him. But I don't think that is the way. It won't get him closer to me. He cannot make the road shorter anyway, no matter how much he wants it. He just talks about himself this and that and only I could say is so what? Why should I care? Why do you talk about such things to a totally stranger? I would ask him, but I say nothing. And next day I realize he is not only annoying. He is a fucking stalker! Checking my facebook, checking my family through it, checking my interests, checking everything. Fuck! That sucks! Luckily he cannot find out my number and address. Otherwise, surely he would come to my home, I bet. Fucking scarry! But it can be worse. I am still okay, but here comes the turn. On the third day he asks about my style in clothing and such. And he thinks I am not elegant enough to him. So he will be a bit more informal he says and we can go to buy clothes for me together. WTF? But he isn't joking.
Damn, he doesn't even know who I am! He just talks and talks and doesn't care about me. It's okay, I don't talk, but still, it sucks. Really. He just saw some photos about me and imagine a personality for me. But what if I am nothing like that? He doesn't give a damn about it. He just wants me to transform into the girl he imagined. Hell no! I won't! There's no way for it! There is a saying sound something like "It's better if you hate me for what I am, than if you love me for what I am not.

I am just me. And I won't change for anyone else but me. So if someone doesn't like it, too bad for him. I can show him the door and that's all.

I wanted to be nice to him, really. I tried. I kept my comments to myself. I just thought, hey, I don't even know him, he deserves a chance. But he lost it at the beginning. It won't work out anyway, I know. Maybe I should put an end to it, because maybe if I let it go further, he might be dangerous. But not in a way like that Belorussian bastard. In a more dangerous way. That scumbag only can harm me with breaking my heart and such. But a stalker like him can be harmful even physically for me and even for my family. I don't know him at all after all. I don't know how further he can go. I must be beware. But maybe he will be bored with me sooner than this happens. Who knows? Maybe I will keep it up for a while, just to see what happens. Damn, why do I like playing with fire so much?

2011. március 16., szerda

I wish I were a man

Taylor Swift - Tell me why

I am the world's biggest fool. Really. Now it's official. Guys just drive girls crazy. And even though he is such a scumbag, I still can't help, but fall for him. I hate being a girl. It sucks! It's not enough that I have to face such troubles like menstruation, PMS and I should learn to do make-up, cooking and so on, I have stupid, bothersome emotions for a guy who doesn't deserve it at all. Sometimes I really would like to kick his ass and hurt him really bad. I want to beat him up so much! But I know I can't. Because one nice sentence, one smile, one look from him is enough to ease my anger. Shit! But why?

Actually I just thought about that I always have crushes with boys who has too much self-confidence. In other words, they have such a big ego that they nearly fall over it. But really, all the boys I have liked until now are common in this personality skill. He is also like that. I think it is because I don't really have self-confidence at all. I always think I am not too nice, not too pretty, not too clever, not too skillful, can't do this and can't do that. Maybe that's why I am attracted by firm, self-confident guys. Basically, I can't stand boys, who needs leading. But firm guys often seems to have a big ego. Too bad for me.

Really, sometimes I just wish I were a boy. Everything would be easier I think. Boys' life seems a lot more easier than girls'. I want that! I don't want to bother with PMS, menstruation, clothes, make-up and such! And mostly, I don't want to deal with boys! They are so stupid! I like them as friends mostly, but when it comes to romantic relationship, it just hell! Damn, really I want to be a lesbian sometimes. Too bad I am not that...

Enough of it, I could write pages about my complaints, but would it matter at all? I don't think so. But anyway... SOMEBODY PLEASE SAVE ME FROM THIS MESS!!!!!!!!!

2011. március 6., vasárnap

Your destiny leads you

Pintácsi Viki - Sorsod irányít (Fiorella)

So here's the lyrics I was talking about in English. I am sorry if I made any mistakes in the translation.

Destiny is like this,
At first you don't believe what you see,
Than the dance begins,
And you walk in his footsteps.

You follow him,
You don't even know where you go anymore,
When you see through the mask,
Your heart is already his prisoner.
You believed it was a disguise, but he makes more punctual plans
Though he is lying the whole time, he can conquer easily.
He looks like a human, even though he plays with lives,
He promises a hundred kisses and a lot of other things for your heart!

Dance through a night with him,
But in the morning you had better escape,
Because he catches you and doesn't let you go anymore,
With his kisses he burns you to the ashes.

He cheats you before you realize it,
The North light became his lamp,
Every morning wind is his fellow,
It spreads his name cards.

Only believe in what you see,
A pretty word fly far away,
And you can wait forever.

You know well,
Life is a movie,
But if your destiny leads you,
Your heart can break easily.