Is it love?

Alexandra Burke - The silence

Why is it have to be like this? Why is that I can't get him out of my mind? Why is that even one cold, careless word of his can hurt me so bad that I want to scream and cry? We are just going in circles and I can never know what he really thinks about me and it slowly kills me off. If he doesn't want me then I want him to just knock me down. To break me into pieces. Small pieces. I want him to hurt me so bad that I can't stand up. But not these sudden, small cuts, because it just tears up my wounds again and again, not letting them heal. It's so cruel!

He might not do it on purpose, but he confuses me all the time. When I think I can make everything clear inconnection with him, he starts to act cold and ignore me totally. Than when I am about to give him up and struggling really hard to forget him, he just turns up again and talking so nicely to me that this stupid me forgive and forget everything and hope that this time it will be different. But no, never. When everything seems right, with a sudden turn he knocks me down again and again. And here we are again. Never going anywhere. Only my heart is in pieces, but who gives a shit about it? I don't know how long I can stand it. I don't understand a thing and it really kills me out. This stabbing he does from time to time, it hurts like hell!

People say you shouldn't run after a car which doesn't pick you up. In other words, don't chase the impossible. Anyway, I am tired of running. And I have never met such a crazy car-driver! He stops from time to time, tell me to hop in, but when I want to get in, he just speed up, so I cannot. But when I am about to give up chasing, he stops again. What sense it makes? And I am so stupid as well, why am I still running?

Why? Why and again why? I am the biggest fool of the world! Why do I still want him so badly? That fucking bastard who does nothing but hurts me again and again? And anyway, why can he hurt me? Basically I am just so cold-hearted and no one can reach my damn emotions no matter how much they want. But he can hurt me even with doing nothing. I am desperately trying to bulid up walls against his attacks, trying to keep him away, but even with saying nothing, even with his cold ignorance, he can hurt me so so bad that I want to cry.

Basically, what is this pain that comes from my chest everytime he acts cold towards me? It's still just sexual attraction. A very very strong sexual attraction. It's not love, right? It cannot be. But... if it is love, it's troublesome. But if it is not, it is maybe even more troublesome, because that means love is something even worse. Oh, damn! It sucks anyway! I just want these feelings to disappear! It doesn't do me any good anyway. But what can I do for it? Damn! Damn! Damn!