Stupid girls

Pink - Heartbreaker

Us girls are fools. Really. Now I am sure about it. At least I am an idiot. How can a girl like a guy when it's obvious even for her that he is a real jerk. That makes no sense. Even if you know that he is so astute, lies and surely doesn't take you seriously, you just still fall for him. And why? Because when you figured out what he really is, it's just too late. He just caught you with his kindness, his politeness, his smile and his sparkling eyes. And when you figure out his disguise, you are already caught and there is no way back. (Actually there is an old song in Hungarian which discribes this feeling very well. When I go home for weekend I will translate it for you or for myself, since no one reads my blog as far as I know=P) Anyway, now I am in a situation like that.

I fall for a guy, though I know probably he's just playing around with me. That sucks, really. He's ego is too much, I know it. And after all I am surely a perfect goal for him, because I live far and after I get back from his country in summer, he will never have to see me. So he can just mess around, he can go as far as he wants, and as far I let him go and there will be no consequences. I go home and he doesn't need to bother with things like turning me down after he had enough of me. Perfect match, surely.

Open relationship. That's his status on facebook. Maybe he just wants to show off. But if not, than I am really a perfect match. Anyway, what does an open relationship mean? In my reading: "I can have sex with any girl I want, but at the end I go back to one, who I have sex more time than with the others." Is it a relationship? Actually I don't have problems with those who do that, but if I had a boyfriend who would tell me to live in an open relationship at least I would beat him up as an answer and the next thing he would see is my back. But everyone has a different taste.

Anyway, I am nearly sure about that what he wants is just playing a little, enjoying himself and such. But still I am falling for him. I am such an idiot....

Here I am... but why?

It's a great mistery why I start writing diary or blog again and again from time to time. Actually it wasn't that long ago when I started writing a blog somewhere else. I still didn't give it up, but now I am in a middle of a very hard post. It's not easy to finish it for some emotional reason. But I am trying hard. Until that I decided to start a normal blog where I wont follow any concept, just write about what's on my mind at the moment.
To be honest, my best friend is who inspired me to start this blog, though she doesn't know it yet. She also writes blogs both in Hungarian and English. I don't want to copy her, but I think I can express my feelings more in English.
Though it might seem strange, since everybody knows that everyone can express their feelings in their mothertongue the best. But somehow I feel that in English it's just less embarrassing. In Hungarian every words has a deeper meaning for me. For example I could say "I love you" to anyone easily in English, in German ("ich liebe dich"), in Japanese ("愛してる") or in Russian ("я люблю тебя"), but not in Hungarian. Because in Hungarian it should actuallly come from my heart. In Hungarian and only in Hungarian I feel the weight of the expression. I don't know, but I guess everybody is like this. Mothertongue has a kind of magic for everyone. Everyone thinks in their mothertongue, I think that's why it is.
That's why I chose English for expressing my thoughts and feelings. It isn't my mothertongue, but I can express nearly everything in it I want. Without that deep bond I have to Hungarian.
So from now on I will post my thoughts here, when I feel like. Maybe sometimes it will be confusing and will be hard to follow my way of thinking, but I will try to be clear in express what I want to. As much as I can.