Play - I must not chase the boys
It is so annyoing! Time just goes on and on and still nothing has changed. My feelings are still the same. Though I know I am worth a lot more than this. I am sure. "I don't care anymore. He is just a scumbag. A moron. It's nice after all that he isn't here. It's better that he doesn't talk to me. I kind of got used to it. I don't even miss it." It's so easy to say things like these. The problem is that they are merely lies. The truth is that I DO CARE. Like hell. But I want to make it an end. But it's not that easy. Not at all. I have a kind of ray of hope though.
It can be stupid, but now I think I can use the same weapon to avoid destruction. I am trying to turn my interest toward someone else. I don't know at all what kind of person he is, but maybe he can help me. Help me out of this mess. I think my defence is strong enough so probably I cannot be beaten more than how I am now. I don't have much hopes for him though. But I just need to try. I don't really believe in my success, but if I don't try, probably I will think about for a long time that what could have been if I had been a little braver. So I just give it a try. Now I am prepared, I think. I cannot be more prepared anyway. But why doesn't he come online? I need to take out the second step of my plan (after that I had to move from the first step, because he reacted positively. It means nothing though. Just that he complicates my life a bit more). Actually I don't have any further plans, but since I don't believe in my success, I don't need to think further either. But I have to do that anyway. I want to know if he can be my saviour or not. And if not, then it's better to make it clear as soon as possible.
This game is dangerous, I think. But I think he cannot hurt me, because I don't let him get that close. Everything will be okay. It has to be okay. I know what I'm doing. But am I really? Is it really okay? It's okay. It will be okay. I cannot be hurt. Right? Damn! I am really a fool....