Going under

Garbage - Cup of coffee

Yesterday was hard. Really. I nearly hit my record in drinking alcohol. I enjoyed myself a lot, but today morning I didn't find it such a good idea, how I thought it was at night. I mustn't make it regular. My stomach hurt like hell, I couldn't eat at all, I was thirsty all day long and the tobbacoo's taste was still in my mouth and I hate it. (Basically I'm not a smoker and I hate the smell of it, but when I drink I need some and last night I smoked really a lot. Too much actually. Disgusting.)

But all I want is not to think and getting drunk is the best way for it I think. Silly, silly me. Actually I just want to forget someone I cannot. (I won't tell his name, but I think everyone can guess his identity from my previous posts.) If I'm drunk, nothing hurts. But it's no good at all. Throwing away my shyness and party with people I don't know too much is nice, but for this reason... In the morning I just lyed in my bed and cursed his name. But it's me after all who pushes myself into this situation. Forget, forget. That's what I need to do. But it's so hard.

Plus, I can't decide if it was a good idea, to move into my classmates flat. I don't trust her, not at all, because I don't know if she really thinks I am an idiot and make fun out of me behind my back. I cannot know what she hides behind her kindness... But she often goes to party and brings me along if I want. I don't know if it's a good or a bad thing in my situation though...

And now here comes today's paragraph from the book I talked about before:

"Az önállóság, vagyis a különállóság csak akkor működik, ha tükörsima vízen vitorlázol. Mert ha vihar kerekedik, nem vonhatod be a vitorlákat és nem állhatsz a kormánynál egyszerre. Szükséged van valakire.(...) Valaki, aki fogta a kormányt, míg én behúztam a vitorlákat és felmértem a károkat. Az a gond, hogy ha egyszer már átvette valaki a kormányt, akkor megszokod, hogy társsal dolgozol. És amikor lecsap a következő vihar, és egyedül vagy, még tehetetlenebbnek, még magányosabbnak érzed magad.
Magányosnak.
Akár be is vallhatom."