I love you... chivas

Lady Gaga - BoysBoysBoys

As a main rule I don't write blog on the weekend, when I am at home, because I have a lot of other things to do. I mean things I can only do at home. For example listening to music loud and running in my room upside down from wall to wall. Maybe it's crazy, but I love it. It makes me calm. Really. I don't mind if others think I am an idiot because of it. I love it and that's what it matters. But anyway, now I have to write this post anyway. I have to share my thoughts now before the feelings go away.

I just saw a damn hot guy on the subway! Really. An Asian (probably Chinese) boy with long hair. Just like I would have been in heaven. He was so hot! And also we changed to the same line. When I saw that he also get off the subway, I started following him. Of course if he had gone to a different direction than me, I wouldn't have done that, but this way what harm it could have caused? Watching is not a bad thing, is it? However, it was a bit funny. On the elevator I stood behind him and I think he might have realized that I follow him. At least he looked back at me. He must have been thinking that I am psycho or have never seen Asian or something like that. A girl in black coat who is chasing after him... Anyway, I enjoyed myself a lot! But anyway, I gave him the chance, because after that I went before him, but he also chose to get in to the first part of the subway. Also he stood at the same door as me. Only just about 1 or 2 meter from me! So cool! Actually it was the first time that I wished the subway would have been more crowded so I could get more close to him. But still, it was really cool. That was such a good day of mine because of! A day that ends like this cannot be bad anyway! I could really just jump around after this. Even though nothing really happened. My hormones were just running in my veins I guess. But I liked it. He was just so hot. It's very rare to see such a hot guy. I have to admit, I might hate the capital because it's overcrowded, dirty and smelly, but in one thing it owns my hometown: there are a lot more hot guy there. Though maybe just because there are much more people live there. But anyway.

Last week I went to a disco to have party in my hometown. And about the boys, it was tragic. I didn't really see any hot guy and also, I saw only two boys with long hair all night. And they were just kind of okay, but not too good as well. Too bad. Where are all the long haired hot guys? Damn Romans for making a fashion out of short hair among men. Long hair for boys is hot! I want more boys with long hair!

By the way, I just realized that nearly all of my posts here are about boys. Dammit! Most of the people around me think I don't give a damn about boys. If they saw this blog! All I do is wheeping about boys. Or sometimes I am angry or sometimes just like now, I am happy, but because of boys. How crazy! Maybe it's just a defensive mechanism from me that I act like I totally ignore boys and don't care about them. I just wish I didn't care about them. But I do. Too much.

Actually recently I realized boys and alcohol are really alike. Both can make me feel good like heaven and bad like hell. The main difference is in case of alcohol with a little experience I can learn when, how much alcohol how effects me. About boys it's just totally random. I can never know. I don't know which one is better though.

Maybe boys often gets into my nerve, but no matter how much I hate it, I have to admit, I think I couldn't live without them after all. Because I am a stupid girl as I have mentioned it before. I cannot change it. It's like a curse, but I have to get used to it I think. I have no chance. Maybe I could become a lesbian. But I don't think it would work. Damn!

Anyway, though I was last week, I still want to party. I want to drink alcohol and get a bit drunk. Boys can be confusing and stupid, but I can always count on alcohol. No, I am not an alcoholist. But I think now I really need to get a bit drunk. Again and again. At least alcohol is reliable if boys aren't. So where is that bottle?

Is it love?

Alexandra Burke - The silence

Why is it have to be like this? Why is that I can't get him out of my mind? Why is that even one cold, careless word of his can hurt me so bad that I want to scream and cry? We are just going in circles and I can never know what he really thinks about me and it slowly kills me off. If he doesn't want me then I want him to just knock me down. To break me into pieces. Small pieces. I want him to hurt me so bad that I can't stand up. But not these sudden, small cuts, because it just tears up my wounds again and again, not letting them heal. It's so cruel!

He might not do it on purpose, but he confuses me all the time. When I think I can make everything clear inconnection with him, he starts to act cold and ignore me totally. Than when I am about to give him up and struggling really hard to forget him, he just turns up again and talking so nicely to me that this stupid me forgive and forget everything and hope that this time it will be different. But no, never. When everything seems right, with a sudden turn he knocks me down again and again. And here we are again. Never going anywhere. Only my heart is in pieces, but who gives a shit about it? I don't know how long I can stand it. I don't understand a thing and it really kills me out. This stabbing he does from time to time, it hurts like hell!

People say you shouldn't run after a car which doesn't pick you up. In other words, don't chase the impossible. Anyway, I am tired of running. And I have never met such a crazy car-driver! He stops from time to time, tell me to hop in, but when I want to get in, he just speed up, so I cannot. But when I am about to give up chasing, he stops again. What sense it makes? And I am so stupid as well, why am I still running?

Why? Why and again why? I am the biggest fool of the world! Why do I still want him so badly? That fucking bastard who does nothing but hurts me again and again? And anyway, why can he hurt me? Basically I am just so cold-hearted and no one can reach my damn emotions no matter how much they want. But he can hurt me even with doing nothing. I am desperately trying to bulid up walls against his attacks, trying to keep him away, but even with saying nothing, even with his cold ignorance, he can hurt me so so bad that I want to cry.

Basically, what is this pain that comes from my chest everytime he acts cold towards me? It's still just sexual attraction. A very very strong sexual attraction. It's not love, right? It cannot be. But... if it is love, it's troublesome. But if it is not, it is maybe even more troublesome, because that means love is something even worse. Oh, damn! It sucks anyway! I just want these feelings to disappear! It doesn't do me any good anyway. But what can I do for it? Damn! Damn! Damn!

Love me for me

Hilary Duff - Dreamer

Another type of boy I can't stand. Why do I have to meet all of my nightmares disguised as a guy? There he is an egoist fool who made me fall for him and now I am his puppet. Because I am. No matter how much I hate it. He can make me move so easier like a marionett. But today I don't want to write about that. No, not again. Not this time. Today about someone else. Just a newcomer in my life. A newcomer who needed only about three days to get into my nerve.

Actually I assumed he is not for me only after a few hours. Now I am sure about it. At first he was just annoying. I was just like what the hell? He talks about his incomes, his ownings, his family, his education, his day, his bad habits, his hobbies, his scores, his everything. Yes, everything is about him. He said, he is very serious and he wants me to know everything about him. But I don't think that is the way. It won't get him closer to me. He cannot make the road shorter anyway, no matter how much he wants it. He just talks about himself this and that and only I could say is so what? Why should I care? Why do you talk about such things to a totally stranger? I would ask him, but I say nothing. And next day I realize he is not only annoying. He is a fucking stalker! Checking my facebook, checking my family through it, checking my interests, checking everything. Fuck! That sucks! Luckily he cannot find out my number and address. Otherwise, surely he would come to my home, I bet. Fucking scarry! But it can be worse. I am still okay, but here comes the turn. On the third day he asks about my style in clothing and such. And he thinks I am not elegant enough to him. So he will be a bit more informal he says and we can go to buy clothes for me together. WTF? But he isn't joking.
Damn, he doesn't even know who I am! He just talks and talks and doesn't care about me. It's okay, I don't talk, but still, it sucks. Really. He just saw some photos about me and imagine a personality for me. But what if I am nothing like that? He doesn't give a damn about it. He just wants me to transform into the girl he imagined. Hell no! I won't! There's no way for it! There is a saying sound something like "It's better if you hate me for what I am, than if you love me for what I am not.

I am just me. And I won't change for anyone else but me. So if someone doesn't like it, too bad for him. I can show him the door and that's all.

I wanted to be nice to him, really. I tried. I kept my comments to myself. I just thought, hey, I don't even know him, he deserves a chance. But he lost it at the beginning. It won't work out anyway, I know. Maybe I should put an end to it, because maybe if I let it go further, he might be dangerous. But not in a way like that Belorussian bastard. In a more dangerous way. That scumbag only can harm me with breaking my heart and such. But a stalker like him can be harmful even physically for me and even for my family. I don't know him at all after all. I don't know how further he can go. I must be beware. But maybe he will be bored with me sooner than this happens. Who knows? Maybe I will keep it up for a while, just to see what happens. Damn, why do I like playing with fire so much?

I wish I were a man

Taylor Swift - Tell me why

I am the world's biggest fool. Really. Now it's official. Guys just drive girls crazy. And even though he is such a scumbag, I still can't help, but fall for him. I hate being a girl. It sucks! It's not enough that I have to face such troubles like menstruation, PMS and I should learn to do make-up, cooking and so on, I have stupid, bothersome emotions for a guy who doesn't deserve it at all. Sometimes I really would like to kick his ass and hurt him really bad. I want to beat him up so much! But I know I can't. Because one nice sentence, one smile, one look from him is enough to ease my anger. Shit! But why?

Actually I just thought about that I always have crushes with boys who has too much self-confidence. In other words, they have such a big ego that they nearly fall over it. But really, all the boys I have liked until now are common in this personality skill. He is also like that. I think it is because I don't really have self-confidence at all. I always think I am not too nice, not too pretty, not too clever, not too skillful, can't do this and can't do that. Maybe that's why I am attracted by firm, self-confident guys. Basically, I can't stand boys, who needs leading. But firm guys often seems to have a big ego. Too bad for me.

Really, sometimes I just wish I were a boy. Everything would be easier I think. Boys' life seems a lot more easier than girls'. I want that! I don't want to bother with PMS, menstruation, clothes, make-up and such! And mostly, I don't want to deal with boys! They are so stupid! I like them as friends mostly, but when it comes to romantic relationship, it just hell! Damn, really I want to be a lesbian sometimes. Too bad I am not that...

Enough of it, I could write pages about my complaints, but would it matter at all? I don't think so. But anyway... SOMEBODY PLEASE SAVE ME FROM THIS MESS!!!!!!!!!

Your destiny leads you

Pintácsi Viki - Sorsod irányít (Fiorella)

So here's the lyrics I was talking about in English. I am sorry if I made any mistakes in the translation.

Destiny is like this,
At first you don't believe what you see,
Than the dance begins,
And you walk in his footsteps.

You follow him,
You don't even know where you go anymore,
When you see through the mask,
Your heart is already his prisoner.
You believed it was a disguise, but he makes more punctual plans
Though he is lying the whole time, he can conquer easily.
He looks like a human, even though he plays with lives,
He promises a hundred kisses and a lot of other things for your heart!

Dance through a night with him,
But in the morning you had better escape,
Because he catches you and doesn't let you go anymore,
With his kisses he burns you to the ashes.

He cheats you before you realize it,
The North light became his lamp,
Every morning wind is his fellow,
It spreads his name cards.

Love,
Only believe in what you see,
A pretty word fly far away,
And you can wait forever.

You know well,
Life is a movie,
But if your destiny leads you,
Your heart can break easily.

Stupid girls

Pink - Heartbreaker

Us girls are fools. Really. Now I am sure about it. At least I am an idiot. How can a girl like a guy when it's obvious even for her that he is a real jerk. That makes no sense. Even if you know that he is so astute, lies and surely doesn't take you seriously, you just still fall for him. And why? Because when you figured out what he really is, it's just too late. He just caught you with his kindness, his politeness, his smile and his sparkling eyes. And when you figure out his disguise, you are already caught and there is no way back. (Actually there is an old song in Hungarian which discribes this feeling very well. When I go home for weekend I will translate it for you or for myself, since no one reads my blog as far as I know=P) Anyway, now I am in a situation like that.

I fall for a guy, though I know probably he's just playing around with me. That sucks, really. He's ego is too much, I know it. And after all I am surely a perfect goal for him, because I live far and after I get back from his country in summer, he will never have to see me. So he can just mess around, he can go as far as he wants, and as far I let him go and there will be no consequences. I go home and he doesn't need to bother with things like turning me down after he had enough of me. Perfect match, surely.

Open relationship. That's his status on facebook. Maybe he just wants to show off. But if not, than I am really a perfect match. Anyway, what does an open relationship mean? In my reading: "I can have sex with any girl I want, but at the end I go back to one, who I have sex more time than with the others." Is it a relationship? Actually I don't have problems with those who do that, but if I had a boyfriend who would tell me to live in an open relationship at least I would beat him up as an answer and the next thing he would see is my back. But everyone has a different taste.

Anyway, I am nearly sure about that what he wants is just playing a little, enjoying himself and such. But still I am falling for him. I am such an idiot....

Here I am... but why?

It's a great mistery why I start writing diary or blog again and again from time to time. Actually it wasn't that long ago when I started writing a blog somewhere else. I still didn't give it up, but now I am in a middle of a very hard post. It's not easy to finish it for some emotional reason. But I am trying hard. Until that I decided to start a normal blog where I wont follow any concept, just write about what's on my mind at the moment.
To be honest, my best friend is who inspired me to start this blog, though she doesn't know it yet. She also writes blogs both in Hungarian and English. I don't want to copy her, but I think I can express my feelings more in English.
Though it might seem strange, since everybody knows that everyone can express their feelings in their mothertongue the best. But somehow I feel that in English it's just less embarrassing. In Hungarian every words has a deeper meaning for me. For example I could say "I love you" to anyone easily in English, in German ("ich liebe dich"), in Japanese ("愛してる") or in Russian ("я люблю тебя"), but not in Hungarian. Because in Hungarian it should actuallly come from my heart. In Hungarian and only in Hungarian I feel the weight of the expression. I don't know, but I guess everybody is like this. Mothertongue has a kind of magic for everyone. Everyone thinks in their mothertongue, I think that's why it is.
That's why I chose English for expressing my thoughts and feelings. It isn't my mothertongue, but I can express nearly everything in it I want. Without that deep bond I have to Hungarian.
So from now on I will post my thoughts here, when I feel like. Maybe sometimes it will be confusing and will be hard to follow my way of thinking, but I will try to be clear in express what I want to. As much as I can.