The pretty reckless - My medicine
The time has come. For what? To write a new blog post, of course. It has been ages I did. What's new with me? I finished all my exams and now I am on my summer holiday officially. Sunshine, freedom and so on. Everything could be perfect. But of course it wouldn't be me if I didn't create some problems for myself. A life without problems isn't interesting at all after all, right? Problems are the salt of life or whatever.^^'
Though today's problem isn't created by me. Because it's my brother's farewell ceremony from his primary school. I don't mind the ceremony exactly, but I do mind the guests. I just hate when I cannot do what I want, because I should put a smile on my face and talk about stupid things I don't care about at all but I should act like I do. Hell no! I hate it! So much! I just hope that I can survive the day somehow. And also tomorrow morning because my damned relatives will spend the night in our house.-_-
Of course I have other self-created problems, mostly about that bastard, yes. He is just still in my mind, I don't know why. Silly me! He still just ignores me (it's been more than two months that I talked to him last time!), but I still have some kind of feelings for him I guess. I still don't know how to call it though, but it's a fact that mostly he is my last thought before sleeping and the first after waking up. I regulary check his facebook and twitter and such. I think I am a kind of psycho. A fucking maniac. On the other hand, just a little bit more than two weeks and I will meet him. Probably for the last time of my life. Three and a half day. That's all I will have together with him. But this shost time can be a blessing or a curse as well. To be honest, I'm scared. I don't know how will he behave towards me and I also don't know how I should behave towards him. Should I try to be friendly with him? Should I ignore him? Should I be cold and show hate or at least showing how rude I think his behaviour was? Should I try to act like he would be in the same level for me like anyone else? I don't know. And I don't know, what I can do. I am kind of good at hiding my emotions and acting cold. But is it really the right reaction? I am just helpless. Damned self-created problems...
2011. június 19., vasárnap
2011. június 4., szombat
Sweet dreams
I am lying on my bed, the lights are out, I'm about to sleep. Sorrowful thoughts comes into my mind, I feel miserable like hell. Then it starts. At first I try not to pay attention to it. But it doesn't stop. I try to get back to my thoughts but it annoys me like hell. It comes closer and closer. And then I hear it in my ears from very close. Okay, it was enough! I don't like violence, but it's much more than I can take. I turn the lights on, get out of my bed, grab my hardback Russian text book from the table and drop it to the wall. I look behind the bed to check if my action was successful. And I see it's lying on the ground. And it's dead!
"Damned moth! At least this time let me feel sorry for myself!" XD
"Damned moth! At least this time let me feel sorry for myself!" XD
2011. május 13., péntek
Mean
Hilary Duff - I am
I'm just bored. So much. Nothing happens today. I have a lot of free time and I don't know what to do with it. It sucks! It's not good at all, because the probability is high that I will start thinking about stupid things. Times like this I often start to feel that nothing in my life has a meaning. I am nothing and I'm heading to nowhere. But I really should stop such thoughts! I am not more worthless than anyone else! I am just a human. Of course I make mistakes and I have bad points. But still, I am not bad! At least not worse than the others.
One thing is certain though. Basically I am alone. But why? The answer is simple. Because I keep too much distance and I am mean. Actually it's because people don't care about me. And I just need someone to care about me. That's me. But maybe they don't care about me, because I am mean. To be honest, I don't know which was earlier. But after all it doesn't really matter. I am mean, because no one really care about me and others don't care about me because I am mean.
Sometimes I feel like a human trash, really. I cannot see any good points on mine. But other times I know I am valueable. There are people who are prettier, cleverer, braver, more skillful, wiser, more popular, nicer, frendlier, more talkative and so on. I am not good in anything in particular. But there is one thing no one can beat me in. No one can be me. They cannot be like me. No one is in this world who would be more like me. I am special in a way and I know it. Like anyone else. But not in the way I am. I am me, no matter what. It's not always easy, my personality is quite difficult and I know it. But if I change anything inconnection with me, surely I do it for myself not because someone else would like me that way better. Because that wouldn't be me. If I want to change, then I will. But not for anyone else, but me. Others can hate me, dislike me, I don't care. That's just me and I am aware of my values. Or at least I am trying to get to know them. My colours are mine.
So this day is surley not my best though. I feel a bit down, but still, I will remind myself. Now just let me feel a little bit down. Sometimes it is needed. A person cannot be happy and cheerful all the time, right? So just let me be. Today is a day like this. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe.
I'm just bored. So much. Nothing happens today. I have a lot of free time and I don't know what to do with it. It sucks! It's not good at all, because the probability is high that I will start thinking about stupid things. Times like this I often start to feel that nothing in my life has a meaning. I am nothing and I'm heading to nowhere. But I really should stop such thoughts! I am not more worthless than anyone else! I am just a human. Of course I make mistakes and I have bad points. But still, I am not bad! At least not worse than the others.
One thing is certain though. Basically I am alone. But why? The answer is simple. Because I keep too much distance and I am mean. Actually it's because people don't care about me. And I just need someone to care about me. That's me. But maybe they don't care about me, because I am mean. To be honest, I don't know which was earlier. But after all it doesn't really matter. I am mean, because no one really care about me and others don't care about me because I am mean.
Sometimes I feel like a human trash, really. I cannot see any good points on mine. But other times I know I am valueable. There are people who are prettier, cleverer, braver, more skillful, wiser, more popular, nicer, frendlier, more talkative and so on. I am not good in anything in particular. But there is one thing no one can beat me in. No one can be me. They cannot be like me. No one is in this world who would be more like me. I am special in a way and I know it. Like anyone else. But not in the way I am. I am me, no matter what. It's not always easy, my personality is quite difficult and I know it. But if I change anything inconnection with me, surely I do it for myself not because someone else would like me that way better. Because that wouldn't be me. If I want to change, then I will. But not for anyone else, but me. Others can hate me, dislike me, I don't care. That's just me and I am aware of my values. Or at least I am trying to get to know them. My colours are mine.
So this day is surley not my best though. I feel a bit down, but still, I will remind myself. Now just let me feel a little bit down. Sometimes it is needed. A person cannot be happy and cheerful all the time, right? So just let me be. Today is a day like this. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe.
2011. május 11., szerda
Playing with fire
Play - I must not chase the boys
It is so annyoing! Time just goes on and on and still nothing has changed. My feelings are still the same. Though I know I am worth a lot more than this. I am sure. "I don't care anymore. He is just a scumbag. A moron. It's nice after all that he isn't here. It's better that he doesn't talk to me. I kind of got used to it. I don't even miss it." It's so easy to say things like these. The problem is that they are merely lies. The truth is that I DO CARE. Like hell. But I want to make it an end. But it's not that easy. Not at all. I have a kind of ray of hope though.
It can be stupid, but now I think I can use the same weapon to avoid destruction. I am trying to turn my interest toward someone else. I don't know at all what kind of person he is, but maybe he can help me. Help me out of this mess. I think my defence is strong enough so probably I cannot be beaten more than how I am now. I don't have much hopes for him though. But I just need to try. I don't really believe in my success, but if I don't try, probably I will think about for a long time that what could have been if I had been a little braver. So I just give it a try. Now I am prepared, I think. I cannot be more prepared anyway. But why doesn't he come online? I need to take out the second step of my plan (after that I had to move from the first step, because he reacted positively. It means nothing though. Just that he complicates my life a bit more). Actually I don't have any further plans, but since I don't believe in my success, I don't need to think further either. But I have to do that anyway. I want to know if he can be my saviour or not. And if not, then it's better to make it clear as soon as possible.
This game is dangerous, I think. But I think he cannot hurt me, because I don't let him get that close. Everything will be okay. It has to be okay. I know what I'm doing. But am I really? Is it really okay? It's okay. It will be okay. I cannot be hurt. Right? Damn! I am really a fool....
It is so annyoing! Time just goes on and on and still nothing has changed. My feelings are still the same. Though I know I am worth a lot more than this. I am sure. "I don't care anymore. He is just a scumbag. A moron. It's nice after all that he isn't here. It's better that he doesn't talk to me. I kind of got used to it. I don't even miss it." It's so easy to say things like these. The problem is that they are merely lies. The truth is that I DO CARE. Like hell. But I want to make it an end. But it's not that easy. Not at all. I have a kind of ray of hope though.
It can be stupid, but now I think I can use the same weapon to avoid destruction. I am trying to turn my interest toward someone else. I don't know at all what kind of person he is, but maybe he can help me. Help me out of this mess. I think my defence is strong enough so probably I cannot be beaten more than how I am now. I don't have much hopes for him though. But I just need to try. I don't really believe in my success, but if I don't try, probably I will think about for a long time that what could have been if I had been a little braver. So I just give it a try. Now I am prepared, I think. I cannot be more prepared anyway. But why doesn't he come online? I need to take out the second step of my plan (after that I had to move from the first step, because he reacted positively. It means nothing though. Just that he complicates my life a bit more). Actually I don't have any further plans, but since I don't believe in my success, I don't need to think further either. But I have to do that anyway. I want to know if he can be my saviour or not. And if not, then it's better to make it clear as soon as possible.
This game is dangerous, I think. But I think he cannot hurt me, because I don't let him get that close. Everything will be okay. It has to be okay. I know what I'm doing. But am I really? Is it really okay? It's okay. It will be okay. I cannot be hurt. Right? Damn! I am really a fool....
2011. május 5., csütörtök
Music is my life
Today I don't want to whine about any guys or talking about how shit my life is. No, today I think I have nothing special to say. I could only just repeat myself. What I would like to do today is to make a list about songs and people. There are a lot of songs which remind me of people who are important or at least remarkable in my life. So today I would like to create that list here. At least I can see it clearly as well. I will try not to forget anyone and list all the songs I can match with them. Of course the lyrics is very important in each cases. Actuallly they show my relation with these people very well, I think.
The Belorussian bastard:
Pink: You make me sick
Private show
Just like a pill
Long way to happy
Mean
It's all your fault
Heartbreaker
Heartbreak down
Is it love?
Evanescence: My immortal
Haunted
Missing
Bring me to life
Kelly Clarkson: You thought wrong
Behind these hazel eyes
Addicted
Where is your heart?
Can I have a kiss?
Haunted
All I ever wanted
If I can't have you
Can we go back?
Already gone
Cry
Avril Lavigne: Take me away
My happy ending
Forgotten
Girlfriend
Contagious
Why?
Things I'll never say
Ashlee Simpson: Lala
Raggdoll
Tóth Gabi: Érte megérte
Szívemet adnám
Alexandra Burke: The silence
Bad boys
Dumb
Taylor Swift: Teardrops on my guitar
Haunted
Baby don't you break my heart slow
I'd lie
Tim McGraw
The way I love you
If this was a movie
Katy Perry: Hot 'n Cold
E.T.
The one that got away
Not like the movies
Lady Gaga: Monster
Bad romance
Alejandro
Britney Spears: Womanizer
Baby one more time
Everytime
Oops...! I did it again
Kesha: The Harold song
Flo Rida feat. Kesha: Right round
Miley Cyrus: 7 things
Sean Kingston feat. Justin Bieber: Eenie meenie
Seether feat. Amy Lee: Broken
Skillet: Comatose
Hercules soundtrack: I won't say I'm in love / Ez nem lehet szerelem / Ich will keinen Mann / 恋してるなんて言えない
Kalafina: Red Moon
手と手と目と目
Versailles: Destiny - The lovers
After Cloudia
Antique in the future
Serenade
Joy Enriquez: How can I not love you?
AnCafé: Snow scene
Arashi: 君は少しも悪くない
The bubble
Ohno Satoshi: Rain
Backstreet Boys: Incomplete
Crystal: Sosem múlik el
Koda Kumi: Hands
You
Lies
Utada Hikaru: First love
Flavour of life
Prisoner of love
Eternally
Otsuka Ai: Planetarium
Cherish
くらげ、流れ星
Aiko: KissHug
3 Doors Down: Here without you
Aragaki Yui: Heavenly days
Aoyama Thelma: ここに居るよ
Garbage: Cup of coffee
You look so fine
Groove Coverage: 7 years & 50 days
Groovehouse: Mit ér neked?
Hamasaki Ayumi: I am
As if
Because of you
Carols
Happy ending
Is this love?
Wishing
Days
In the corner
Hedley: Perfect
Hilary Duff: Holiday
Who's that girl?
Danger
Getaway
Leslie Parrish: Remember me
Mandy Moore: I wanna be with you
Nishino Kana: Aitakute aitakute
If
Pixie Lott: Nothing compares
Turn it up
Robyn: Be mine
Dancing on my own
Rascal Flatts: What hurts the most
State of Shock: Money honey
Sugarcult: Pretty girl
Sweetbox: Human sacrifice
Superstar
System of a down: Lonely day
Taeyang: Wedding dress
Taio Cruz: Break your heart
Tatu: Show me love
You and I
Fly on the wall
Beyoncé feat. Shakira: Beautiful liar
The Calling: Things don't always turn out that way
The Veronicas: In another life
Therre Days Grace: I hate everything about you
Over and over
YUI: Umbrella
Zanzibar: Csalódott vagyok
Ha nem maradt más
Új napra ébredsz
Kiss: Because I'm a girl
Bright: 嫌い・・・でも好き
Pintácsi Viki: Sorsod irányít
Fiesta: Könnyebb lesz így
Bot Gábor: Kevés egy dal
Tarja Turunen: Poison
Tankcsapda: Azt mondom állj
14
Gyűrd össze a lepedőt velem
Szextárgy
Fergie feat. Koda Kumi: That ain't cool
Fergie: Big girls don't cry
Rihanna: Cry
I love the way you lie
Hate that I love you
Koda Kumi feat. Misono: It's all love
Umberto Tozzi feat. Monica Bellucci: Ti amo
Guild: 夜の月
Emilie Autumn: Chambermaid
Liar
Cascada: Miracle
Ready for love
My best friend (Kitty):
Avril Lavigne: Keep holding on
Nishino Kana: Best friend
Tatu: All about us
Not gonna get us
Taylor Swift: I'm only me when I'm with you
Emilie Autumn: By the sword
My mother:
Sugarloaf: Fogd a két kezem
Taylor Swift: Never grow up
The best day
My grandmother:
Avril Lavigne: Slipped away
Hamasaki Ayumi: Memorial address
Untitled - for her
Christina Aguilera: Hurt
Aqua: Turn back time
My father:
Taylor Swift: Superman
My high school classmates:
Kelly Clarkson: Breakaway
Sandy Sinnamon: Only a memory away
Kamenashi Kazuya: Kizuna
Takaki Yuya: 俺たちの青春
Pokemon soundtrack: Everything changes / Minden változik
The time has come / Eljött a perc
The pshycho guy:
Hilary Duff: Between you and me
Sweetbox: Don't push me
Avril Lavigne: Don't tell me
Pink: U + Ur hand
Hien: Túl szép
Emilie Autumn: How strange
Marry me
My (ex)best friend from high school:
Pink: Who knew?
Ryuu:
Lady Gaga: Silly boy
Avril Lavigne: Complicated
Too much to ask
Gwen Stefani: Cool
Zanzibar: Szerelemről szó sem volt
Myself (because I'm also an important person to myself of course =P And naturally my philosophy is also important XD):
Pink: Slipped personality
Try too hard
Cuz I can
Fuckin' perfect
Nobody knows
Most girls
Stop falling
Do what U do
Get the party started
18 wheeler
Missundaztood
Dear diary
Eventually
Misery (feat. Steven Tyler)
Respect (feat. Scratch)
Don't let me get me
Lonely girl (feat. Linda Perry)
My Vietnam
Meredithg Brooks: I'm a bitch
Elize: I can be a bitch
Avril Lavigne: What the hell
I don't have to try
The best damn thing
Unwanted
How does it feel?
Miley Cyrus: Can't be tamed
Hilary Duff: I am
Burned
Zanzibar: Az igazi nevem
Rockabili
Ádám keresi Évát
Ha megtalálsz
Nem vagyok tökéletes
Lehetek a...
Hamasaki Ayumi: Missunderstood
Koda Kumi: Lollipop
Can we go back?
Tankcsapda: Be vagyok rúgva
Ashlee Simpson: L.O.V.E.
Kelly Clarkson: Miss Independent
Sandy Howell: Oh starry night
Rie Fu: Life is like a boat
Rihanna: Hard
Lady Gaga: Pokerface
Emilie Autumn: Shalott
Misery loves company
Katy Perry: Firework
Alexandra Burke: Broken heels
Play: I don't want to be like Cinderella
I must not chase the boys
If you really read this post till the end, then you are a hero. Or just a complete idiot, who is too bored and have nothing else better or more useful to do, hehe =P
I hope I didn't miss anything or anyone. If I did, then maybe later I will edit this list. Anyway, I think it also shows pretty well, what or who fills most of my thoughts^^' Damn!
The Belorussian bastard:
Pink: You make me sick
Private show
Just like a pill
Long way to happy
Mean
It's all your fault
Heartbreaker
Heartbreak down
Is it love?
Evanescence: My immortal
Haunted
Missing
Bring me to life
Kelly Clarkson: You thought wrong
Behind these hazel eyes
Addicted
Where is your heart?
Can I have a kiss?
Haunted
All I ever wanted
If I can't have you
Can we go back?
Already gone
Cry
Avril Lavigne: Take me away
My happy ending
Forgotten
Girlfriend
Contagious
Why?
Things I'll never say
Ashlee Simpson: Lala
Raggdoll
Tóth Gabi: Érte megérte
Szívemet adnám
Alexandra Burke: The silence
Bad boys
Dumb
Taylor Swift: Teardrops on my guitar
Haunted
Baby don't you break my heart slow
I'd lie
Tim McGraw
The way I love you
If this was a movie
Katy Perry: Hot 'n Cold
E.T.
The one that got away
Not like the movies
Lady Gaga: Monster
Bad romance
Alejandro
Britney Spears: Womanizer
Baby one more time
Everytime
Oops...! I did it again
Kesha: The Harold song
Flo Rida feat. Kesha: Right round
Miley Cyrus: 7 things
Sean Kingston feat. Justin Bieber: Eenie meenie
Seether feat. Amy Lee: Broken
Skillet: Comatose
Hercules soundtrack: I won't say I'm in love / Ez nem lehet szerelem / Ich will keinen Mann / 恋してるなんて言えない
Kalafina: Red Moon
手と手と目と目
Versailles: Destiny - The lovers
After Cloudia
Antique in the future
Serenade
Joy Enriquez: How can I not love you?
AnCafé: Snow scene
Arashi: 君は少しも悪くない
The bubble
Ohno Satoshi: Rain
Backstreet Boys: Incomplete
Crystal: Sosem múlik el
Koda Kumi: Hands
You
Lies
Utada Hikaru: First love
Flavour of life
Prisoner of love
Eternally
Otsuka Ai: Planetarium
Cherish
くらげ、流れ星
Aiko: KissHug
3 Doors Down: Here without you
Aragaki Yui: Heavenly days
Aoyama Thelma: ここに居るよ
Garbage: Cup of coffee
You look so fine
Groove Coverage: 7 years & 50 days
Groovehouse: Mit ér neked?
Hamasaki Ayumi: I am
As if
Because of you
Carols
Happy ending
Is this love?
Wishing
Days
In the corner
Hedley: Perfect
Hilary Duff: Holiday
Who's that girl?
Danger
Getaway
Leslie Parrish: Remember me
Mandy Moore: I wanna be with you
Nishino Kana: Aitakute aitakute
If
Pixie Lott: Nothing compares
Turn it up
Robyn: Be mine
Dancing on my own
Rascal Flatts: What hurts the most
State of Shock: Money honey
Sugarcult: Pretty girl
Sweetbox: Human sacrifice
Superstar
System of a down: Lonely day
Taeyang: Wedding dress
Taio Cruz: Break your heart
Tatu: Show me love
You and I
Fly on the wall
Beyoncé feat. Shakira: Beautiful liar
The Calling: Things don't always turn out that way
The Veronicas: In another life
Therre Days Grace: I hate everything about you
Over and over
YUI: Umbrella
Zanzibar: Csalódott vagyok
Ha nem maradt más
Új napra ébredsz
Kiss: Because I'm a girl
Bright: 嫌い・・・でも好き
Pintácsi Viki: Sorsod irányít
Fiesta: Könnyebb lesz így
Bot Gábor: Kevés egy dal
Tarja Turunen: Poison
Tankcsapda: Azt mondom állj
14
Gyűrd össze a lepedőt velem
Szextárgy
Fergie feat. Koda Kumi: That ain't cool
Fergie: Big girls don't cry
Rihanna: Cry
I love the way you lie
Hate that I love you
Koda Kumi feat. Misono: It's all love
Umberto Tozzi feat. Monica Bellucci: Ti amo
Guild: 夜の月
Emilie Autumn: Chambermaid
Liar
Cascada: Miracle
Ready for love
My best friend (Kitty):
Avril Lavigne: Keep holding on
Nishino Kana: Best friend
Tatu: All about us
Not gonna get us
Taylor Swift: I'm only me when I'm with you
Emilie Autumn: By the sword
My mother:
Sugarloaf: Fogd a két kezem
Taylor Swift: Never grow up
The best day
My grandmother:
Avril Lavigne: Slipped away
Hamasaki Ayumi: Memorial address
Untitled - for her
Christina Aguilera: Hurt
Aqua: Turn back time
My father:
Taylor Swift: Superman
My high school classmates:
Kelly Clarkson: Breakaway
Sandy Sinnamon: Only a memory away
Kamenashi Kazuya: Kizuna
Takaki Yuya: 俺たちの青春
Pokemon soundtrack: Everything changes / Minden változik
The time has come / Eljött a perc
The pshycho guy:
Hilary Duff: Between you and me
Sweetbox: Don't push me
Avril Lavigne: Don't tell me
Pink: U + Ur hand
Hien: Túl szép
Emilie Autumn: How strange
Marry me
My (ex)best friend from high school:
Pink: Who knew?
Ryuu:
Lady Gaga: Silly boy
Avril Lavigne: Complicated
Too much to ask
Gwen Stefani: Cool
Zanzibar: Szerelemről szó sem volt
Myself (because I'm also an important person to myself of course =P And naturally my philosophy is also important XD):
Pink: Slipped personality
Try too hard
Cuz I can
Fuckin' perfect
Nobody knows
Most girls
Stop falling
Do what U do
Get the party started
18 wheeler
Missundaztood
Dear diary
Eventually
Misery (feat. Steven Tyler)
Respect (feat. Scratch)
Don't let me get me
Lonely girl (feat. Linda Perry)
My Vietnam
Meredithg Brooks: I'm a bitch
Elize: I can be a bitch
Avril Lavigne: What the hell
I don't have to try
The best damn thing
Unwanted
How does it feel?
Miley Cyrus: Can't be tamed
Hilary Duff: I am
Burned
Zanzibar: Az igazi nevem
Rockabili
Ádám keresi Évát
Ha megtalálsz
Nem vagyok tökéletes
Lehetek a...
Hamasaki Ayumi: Missunderstood
Koda Kumi: Lollipop
Can we go back?
Tankcsapda: Be vagyok rúgva
Ashlee Simpson: L.O.V.E.
Kelly Clarkson: Miss Independent
Sandy Howell: Oh starry night
Rie Fu: Life is like a boat
Rihanna: Hard
Lady Gaga: Pokerface
Emilie Autumn: Shalott
Misery loves company
Katy Perry: Firework
Alexandra Burke: Broken heels
Play: I don't want to be like Cinderella
I must not chase the boys
If you really read this post till the end, then you are a hero. Or just a complete idiot, who is too bored and have nothing else better or more useful to do, hehe =P
I hope I didn't miss anything or anyone. If I did, then maybe later I will edit this list. Anyway, I think it also shows pretty well, what or who fills most of my thoughts^^' Damn!
2011. április 8., péntek
I love you... chivas
Lady Gaga - BoysBoysBoys
As a main rule I don't write blog on the weekend, when I am at home, because I have a lot of other things to do. I mean things I can only do at home. For example listening to music loud and running in my room upside down from wall to wall. Maybe it's crazy, but I love it. It makes me calm. Really. I don't mind if others think I am an idiot because of it. I love it and that's what it matters. But anyway, now I have to write this post anyway. I have to share my thoughts now before the feelings go away.
I just saw a damn hot guy on the subway! Really. An Asian (probably Chinese) boy with long hair. Just like I would have been in heaven. He was so hot! And also we changed to the same line. When I saw that he also get off the subway, I started following him. Of course if he had gone to a different direction than me, I wouldn't have done that, but this way what harm it could have caused? Watching is not a bad thing, is it? However, it was a bit funny. On the elevator I stood behind him and I think he might have realized that I follow him. At least he looked back at me. He must have been thinking that I am psycho or have never seen Asian or something like that. A girl in black coat who is chasing after him... Anyway, I enjoyed myself a lot! But anyway, I gave him the chance, because after that I went before him, but he also chose to get in to the first part of the subway. Also he stood at the same door as me. Only just about 1 or 2 meter from me! So cool! Actually it was the first time that I wished the subway would have been more crowded so I could get more close to him. But still, it was really cool. That was such a good day of mine because of! A day that ends like this cannot be bad anyway! I could really just jump around after this. Even though nothing really happened. My hormones were just running in my veins I guess. But I liked it. He was just so hot. It's very rare to see such a hot guy. I have to admit, I might hate the capital because it's overcrowded, dirty and smelly, but in one thing it owns my hometown: there are a lot more hot guy there. Though maybe just because there are much more people live there. But anyway.
Last week I went to a disco to have party in my hometown. And about the boys, it was tragic. I didn't really see any hot guy and also, I saw only two boys with long hair all night. And they were just kind of okay, but not too good as well. Too bad. Where are all the long haired hot guys? Damn Romans for making a fashion out of short hair among men. Long hair for boys is hot! I want more boys with long hair!
By the way, I just realized that nearly all of my posts here are about boys. Dammit! Most of the people around me think I don't give a damn about boys. If they saw this blog! All I do is wheeping about boys. Or sometimes I am angry or sometimes just like now, I am happy, but because of boys. How crazy! Maybe it's just a defensive mechanism from me that I act like I totally ignore boys and don't care about them. I just wish I didn't care about them. But I do. Too much.
Actually recently I realized boys and alcohol are really alike. Both can make me feel good like heaven and bad like hell. The main difference is in case of alcohol with a little experience I can learn when, how much alcohol how effects me. About boys it's just totally random. I can never know. I don't know which one is better though.
Maybe boys often gets into my nerve, but no matter how much I hate it, I have to admit, I think I couldn't live without them after all. Because I am a stupid girl as I have mentioned it before. I cannot change it. It's like a curse, but I have to get used to it I think. I have no chance. Maybe I could become a lesbian. But I don't think it would work. Damn!
Anyway, though I was last week, I still want to party. I want to drink alcohol and get a bit drunk. Boys can be confusing and stupid, but I can always count on alcohol. No, I am not an alcoholist. But I think now I really need to get a bit drunk. Again and again. At least alcohol is reliable if boys aren't. So where is that bottle?
As a main rule I don't write blog on the weekend, when I am at home, because I have a lot of other things to do. I mean things I can only do at home. For example listening to music loud and running in my room upside down from wall to wall. Maybe it's crazy, but I love it. It makes me calm. Really. I don't mind if others think I am an idiot because of it. I love it and that's what it matters. But anyway, now I have to write this post anyway. I have to share my thoughts now before the feelings go away.
I just saw a damn hot guy on the subway! Really. An Asian (probably Chinese) boy with long hair. Just like I would have been in heaven. He was so hot! And also we changed to the same line. When I saw that he also get off the subway, I started following him. Of course if he had gone to a different direction than me, I wouldn't have done that, but this way what harm it could have caused? Watching is not a bad thing, is it? However, it was a bit funny. On the elevator I stood behind him and I think he might have realized that I follow him. At least he looked back at me. He must have been thinking that I am psycho or have never seen Asian or something like that. A girl in black coat who is chasing after him... Anyway, I enjoyed myself a lot! But anyway, I gave him the chance, because after that I went before him, but he also chose to get in to the first part of the subway. Also he stood at the same door as me. Only just about 1 or 2 meter from me! So cool! Actually it was the first time that I wished the subway would have been more crowded so I could get more close to him. But still, it was really cool. That was such a good day of mine because of! A day that ends like this cannot be bad anyway! I could really just jump around after this. Even though nothing really happened. My hormones were just running in my veins I guess. But I liked it. He was just so hot. It's very rare to see such a hot guy. I have to admit, I might hate the capital because it's overcrowded, dirty and smelly, but in one thing it owns my hometown: there are a lot more hot guy there. Though maybe just because there are much more people live there. But anyway.
Last week I went to a disco to have party in my hometown. And about the boys, it was tragic. I didn't really see any hot guy and also, I saw only two boys with long hair all night. And they were just kind of okay, but not too good as well. Too bad. Where are all the long haired hot guys? Damn Romans for making a fashion out of short hair among men. Long hair for boys is hot! I want more boys with long hair!
By the way, I just realized that nearly all of my posts here are about boys. Dammit! Most of the people around me think I don't give a damn about boys. If they saw this blog! All I do is wheeping about boys. Or sometimes I am angry or sometimes just like now, I am happy, but because of boys. How crazy! Maybe it's just a defensive mechanism from me that I act like I totally ignore boys and don't care about them. I just wish I didn't care about them. But I do. Too much.
Actually recently I realized boys and alcohol are really alike. Both can make me feel good like heaven and bad like hell. The main difference is in case of alcohol with a little experience I can learn when, how much alcohol how effects me. About boys it's just totally random. I can never know. I don't know which one is better though.
Maybe boys often gets into my nerve, but no matter how much I hate it, I have to admit, I think I couldn't live without them after all. Because I am a stupid girl as I have mentioned it before. I cannot change it. It's like a curse, but I have to get used to it I think. I have no chance. Maybe I could become a lesbian. But I don't think it would work. Damn!
Anyway, though I was last week, I still want to party. I want to drink alcohol and get a bit drunk. Boys can be confusing and stupid, but I can always count on alcohol. No, I am not an alcoholist. But I think now I really need to get a bit drunk. Again and again. At least alcohol is reliable if boys aren't. So where is that bottle?
2011. március 28., hétfő
Is it love?
Alexandra Burke - The silence
Why is it have to be like this? Why is that I can't get him out of my mind? Why is that even one cold, careless word of his can hurt me so bad that I want to scream and cry? We are just going in circles and I can never know what he really thinks about me and it slowly kills me off. If he doesn't want me then I want him to just knock me down. To break me into pieces. Small pieces. I want him to hurt me so bad that I can't stand up. But not these sudden, small cuts, because it just tears up my wounds again and again, not letting them heal. It's so cruel!
He might not do it on purpose, but he confuses me all the time. When I think I can make everything clear inconnection with him, he starts to act cold and ignore me totally. Than when I am about to give him up and struggling really hard to forget him, he just turns up again and talking so nicely to me that this stupid me forgive and forget everything and hope that this time it will be different. But no, never. When everything seems right, with a sudden turn he knocks me down again and again. And here we are again. Never going anywhere. Only my heart is in pieces, but who gives a shit about it? I don't know how long I can stand it. I don't understand a thing and it really kills me out. This stabbing he does from time to time, it hurts like hell!
People say you shouldn't run after a car which doesn't pick you up. In other words, don't chase the impossible. Anyway, I am tired of running. And I have never met such a crazy car-driver! He stops from time to time, tell me to hop in, but when I want to get in, he just speed up, so I cannot. But when I am about to give up chasing, he stops again. What sense it makes? And I am so stupid as well, why am I still running?
Why? Why and again why? I am the biggest fool of the world! Why do I still want him so badly? That fucking bastard who does nothing but hurts me again and again? And anyway, why can he hurt me? Basically I am just so cold-hearted and no one can reach my damn emotions no matter how much they want. But he can hurt me even with doing nothing. I am desperately trying to bulid up walls against his attacks, trying to keep him away, but even with saying nothing, even with his cold ignorance, he can hurt me so so bad that I want to cry.
Basically, what is this pain that comes from my chest everytime he acts cold towards me? It's still just sexual attraction. A very very strong sexual attraction. It's not love, right? It cannot be. But... if it is love, it's troublesome. But if it is not, it is maybe even more troublesome, because that means love is something even worse. Oh, damn! It sucks anyway! I just want these feelings to disappear! It doesn't do me any good anyway. But what can I do for it? Damn! Damn! Damn!
Why is it have to be like this? Why is that I can't get him out of my mind? Why is that even one cold, careless word of his can hurt me so bad that I want to scream and cry? We are just going in circles and I can never know what he really thinks about me and it slowly kills me off. If he doesn't want me then I want him to just knock me down. To break me into pieces. Small pieces. I want him to hurt me so bad that I can't stand up. But not these sudden, small cuts, because it just tears up my wounds again and again, not letting them heal. It's so cruel!
He might not do it on purpose, but he confuses me all the time. When I think I can make everything clear inconnection with him, he starts to act cold and ignore me totally. Than when I am about to give him up and struggling really hard to forget him, he just turns up again and talking so nicely to me that this stupid me forgive and forget everything and hope that this time it will be different. But no, never. When everything seems right, with a sudden turn he knocks me down again and again. And here we are again. Never going anywhere. Only my heart is in pieces, but who gives a shit about it? I don't know how long I can stand it. I don't understand a thing and it really kills me out. This stabbing he does from time to time, it hurts like hell!
People say you shouldn't run after a car which doesn't pick you up. In other words, don't chase the impossible. Anyway, I am tired of running. And I have never met such a crazy car-driver! He stops from time to time, tell me to hop in, but when I want to get in, he just speed up, so I cannot. But when I am about to give up chasing, he stops again. What sense it makes? And I am so stupid as well, why am I still running?
Why? Why and again why? I am the biggest fool of the world! Why do I still want him so badly? That fucking bastard who does nothing but hurts me again and again? And anyway, why can he hurt me? Basically I am just so cold-hearted and no one can reach my damn emotions no matter how much they want. But he can hurt me even with doing nothing. I am desperately trying to bulid up walls against his attacks, trying to keep him away, but even with saying nothing, even with his cold ignorance, he can hurt me so so bad that I want to cry.
Basically, what is this pain that comes from my chest everytime he acts cold towards me? It's still just sexual attraction. A very very strong sexual attraction. It's not love, right? It cannot be. But... if it is love, it's troublesome. But if it is not, it is maybe even more troublesome, because that means love is something even worse. Oh, damn! It sucks anyway! I just want these feelings to disappear! It doesn't do me any good anyway. But what can I do for it? Damn! Damn! Damn!
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