Inner demons

Reading blogs sometimes really an interesting thing. I don't think people would share every thoughts they have here, I cannot know someone just from his / her blog, but really I can learn some things. Just thinking about myself, I also relieve here some thoughts I don't really share anywhere else. Why? Yes, I know that anyone can read it, but still, without my name and my face it's somehow not that hard. Of course anyone can find out my identity etc. etc. But somehow it's still different, even though it's public.

By the way, I think I can say I'm pretty good at online stalking. It's not something I'm proud of though. I just have quite a lot free time to do and why not? When you have a depressed, melancholic and asocial personality like mine. (By the way, most people don't know the difference between asocialists and anti-socialists.Asocialists are those, who has problem with treating other people, communicating other people, making closer relationships with people. While anti-socialists are sociopaths with an other world. So they have problem with emotions, letting people close to them and such. So maybe the only thing common is the difficulty in making closer relations, maybe, but that's not the point now.) Anyway, I realized that I'm really not ready dealing with other people's problems. I have way too many for myself.

I do have friends, now I'm sure. Those fellows from university is somewhat dear to me. Really. I feel I belong to them in a rate. I cannot open my heart to them, but still. I'm a part of their group anyway. Feels good, but not enough.

Some days ago I was scolded by a guy I don't know that much, but sometimes I talk to him online. He said I already wasted half of my university life with this shit I'm in right now and I really should change. I know I should, but it's not that easy. I don't know if I can do it alone, but I must. I have to learn doing everything alone. I cannot depend on anyone emotionally. But I know this thing cannot be solved alone. I can do what I have to do, but I feel empty inside. I just feel nothing. Nothing at all. I like being drunk, because at least that time my dark thoughts go away. The rest, doesn't matter. I study, because I have to, I will go to Norway for half a year, just because I want something to happen. But really never mind. I want to pass my exams, but if not, never mind. Doesn't matter. What is missing? What could change this? Now I don't know.

For a while I thought maybe if I found love or something, this might help. Now I think probably not. If I think about it deeper, every people have inner demons. And I think mine are too much. Too much for someone else to bear. And also it would be too much for me to bear someone else's as well. I still like a guy who is impossible for me and he has a lot of inner demons. I cannot know them fully, but I think his burden is probably as heavy as mine is. Totally different, but heavy. I couldn't help him and he couldn't help me anyway. It wouldn't change my feelings immediately, but it's a fact anyway. No matter what I do, I have to do alone. I don't where I'm heading for this way, though.

It's a cruel, cruel world

I'm back here for a post before I will be buried by studies. It will be a hard time, really. For next week I have to study 100 § statute and also I should prepare for another test and study roman law as usual. The funny thing is that if I cannot study normally that statute and I won't pass that test, I cannot go to the exam. Too bad. In this case I will have to take it up next year again. At the moment I can't really worry about it. My tactic is basically that I always ask myself "what is the worst that can happen to me in this situation?" So I can see it's really not that tragic. Now the worst is that I won't pass and I have to take it up again a year later. So what? Basically, nothing builds on this subject, so no problem. Also, I don't have finish this university within 3 years anyway. I just lose 5 credits for this semester. Who cares? Not so tragic after all, right? Just take it easy. Worrying too much isn't healthy. Calm and peace is the reward of apathy.

Something else, yesterday I realized how unfair this world is. How unfair we are. A lot of girls complain about boys like only bitches. But aren't we, girls are the same? Apperaence counts too much. I know a lot of nice guys, who are single, even though they are polite, kind, intelligent and such, however, they aren't too loud, aren't matcho-like and so on. Even I cannot look at them like potential partners, only just friends. I can only fall for those self-sufficient, egoist dumbasses, who may look cute, but really are jerks. It's unfair, really unfair. Someone please open my eyes and other girls' and make us turn to these nice ones from those dickheads! Because how things are now, if a boy wants a girl, the recipe could be the next one: If you are kind, polite, intelligent and treat girls nice, they will only want to be your friend. Be egoist and self-centered, look down on others, be loud and you will get any girl you want. That sucks!

A (bad?) girl's lament

It's been a while since I posted anything. I could share things, because there are changes in my life (I will move out from my apartment and move to my cousin's and probably I will go to Norway in January, though I still have some administrative work to do with it, and need to consider it well, but I won the scholarship already anyway). But today I don't feel like writing about it. Today is just a little lamenting around a thing that on everyone's mind all the time, though not everyone admits it. A thing that is important to everyone. Everyone's minds evolve around it. There are many expressions to it, that's what made me think and actually I would like to write about them. Yes, the thing is sex.

I have never written about it yet, but why? Honestly, I like reading when someone writes about sex. Why? Who knows? Maybe because I'm a stalker like everyone else and I like looking into other's prive life. Also because I kind of respect those, who have enough courage to talk about it directly. Anyway, there is a lot of expressions to sex. Thinking about why would be also a good theme, but now I just want to share my thoughts about the differences between each of them. Even though they refer to the same thing.

So the first expression is "having sex". It's the most simple expression, refers to the concrete thing, it has actually no plus in the meaning. To be honest, maybe that's the phrase I like the most. It says nor more nor less, just what it is. But it's a bit too concrete. Still the best, I think.

Not like "making love". It's too oldschool in my opinion. Who makes love? Just the couples in romantic movies. Too "pink" phrase. Dislike. Absolutely. I have never heard anyone using it in everyday life. Let's just keep it for romantic erotic stories. Though it's sometimes even too much for there as well. If someone would say it in a usual conversation, probably I would laugh him / her in the face or at least show a strange expression on my face.

And the last category is "fucking" and "cuming". These two words are nearly the same. Vulgar. If couples in romantic movies make love, than who fucks? The actors in porn movies. That's it. What they do is animal like and vulgar. Totally fucking. So if you do it hard, then you are fucking and it's a fact. This word is used sometimes young people or not too highly educated dumbasses. Not like they would really use it this meaning. They just want to seem cool or really just stupid.

Anyway, my conclusion is, just use the world "sex". Let's call everything on its name.


So it was a totally senseless post, but I just wanted to write it. Sorry for those, who wasted their time on it.

I'm a loner

Lately my depression is in a very deep period. I feel lonely. Like I'd belong to nowhere. I wish for someone, who really listens to me, who puts me into the first place. If this person is a boyfriend, or just a very close friend is nearly never mind. I just want to feel that I'm important for someone.

Most of my acquaintaces just kind of put up with my existence. My roommates, my classmates, everybody around me. I thought I got used to being treated like this, but it still feels kind of bad. I know it's never mind for them if I'm there or not. And this thought is painful somewhere.

My family thinks I'm important, but I guess they already kind of got used to that I'm not at home. My best friend lives far and she cannot be here when I need her. Moreover, she has a boyfriend, who is obviously more important for her, than me. It's normal, though. But I have to admit, sometimes I hate that boyfriend (even though I've never met him) and I kind of jealous of him. But it's okay. Maybe I'm sick, but I try to handle this feeling. Sometimes it takes over, but mostly I can.

I can only make friends with people who lives far. It's nice to talk to them sometimes, but they can't be there, when I need them the most. It sucks. I like being alone, but right now I'm sick of loneliness. It sucks...

Nem a ruhat eszi az embert

Sweetbox - Trying to be me

 Today's title is in Hungarian, because it's something I just can't translate into English. It would lose a lot from its meaning. So I just left it in Hungarian

Today I realized how much clothes express someone's personality. Of course I've always known it in a way, but I've never thought it's that serious. I have clothes I liked when I bought them, even when I tried them on at home, but when I have to wear them a day long, I just realize, it's no good. Somehow that clothes aren't me.

Lately I wear skirts more often. And for example I love my jeans skirt, that skirt is me, especially if I wear it with leggings. But today I wear a bit longer, green skirt for the first time. I thought it's a nice skirt and fits me, when I tried it on at home, but somehow I felt something bad when I wore it at school all day long and I couldn't wait to take it off as soon as possible. It was my first thing to do when I arrived at home to change it. I don't know what the problem is though. I still think it's a good skirt, but it's just not me. Simply not me.

Sometimes the same thing happens with me with blouses, shoes and such. That's the thing why my mother argue with me and I just can't tell her what my problem is. Since I was the one who said they'll be good and then just refuse wearing them. I just can't explain. Difficult, right?

Anyway, last day I wrote a test of Roman law. It could have been better, but didn't succeed that bad either, I think. I will learn the results next week. I'm a bit worried about it, but I don't want to think about it until next Wednesday. And I went to row again. It was good. I still need to learn and practice it a lot, but somehow I enjoyed it, even though it was hard. Anyway, I think everyone should try it. It's really cool. Hard, but cool.

This is me breaking up with you

I just feel like showing my top 20 sad break-up songs. Maybe it's not my real chart, just the first 20 songs which came into my mind at first. So here they are:
20. Breaking Benjamin - Breath

19.  Pixie Lott - Broken arrow

18. Tatu - Doschitai do sta

17. Alexandra Burke - The silence

16. Evanescence - Missing

15.  The pretty reckless - Just tonight

14. Britney Spears - Everytime

13. Rihanna - Cry

12. Eric Saade - Masquerade

11. Hamasaki Ayumi - Is it love?

10. Taylor Swift - Haunted

9. Sweetbox - Echo

8. C.N Blue - I'm a loner

7. Avril Lavigne - Wish you were here

6. Kesha - The Harold song

5. Zanzibar - Üvegszilánkokkal az ágyban

4. Garbage - Cup of coffee

3. Sweetbox - Girl from Tokyo

2. Arashi - Kimi wa sukoshi mo warukunai

1. Kelly Clarkson - Behind these hazel eyes

Where is my place?

I just find this song pretty true. Yes, recently I'm quite a feminist I think. Though I have no problem with them, until I treat them just as friends. But no romance, please.

My family says I'm like a kindergardener, little child if it comes to romantic relationships. They say, that boy from law class likes me, as a girl I mean. But I don't think so, I think he is just lonely, doesn't know too many people in this new school and maybe he finds me nice. I also think he is nice, but just as I friend. My family knows nothing. Just because he likes talking to me sometimes, that doesn't mean anything, right? Actually, I just don't want to believe it. Because if I did, I couldn't spend time together with him anymore. So I just ignore the fact, I just refuse to believe it and everything is alright. That's all.

By the way, today I don't feel like to do anything. My mood is a bit depressed I guess. Nothing seems to make sense. However, rowing yesterday was nice. Hard, but nice. I have to learn it properly for sure, though. Now I should study Roman law, but I don't feel like. Maybe a bit later. Because I must not fail in any test. Not from that subject. I don't know if it really matters though. At the moment nothing really matters. I hate this mood. The only thing that bothers me, that my bed isn't too convenient. So even sleeping isn't too good. But I will survive it somehow. Hopefully