I'm just a sucker with no self esteem

I just found this song some days ago and it describes my situation pretty well. So if anyone wonders, just listen to the lyrics carefully. Mostly it can be used to my situation. Mostly. Not totally, but mostly. So now no comment, just purely the song.

I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

I'm numb like hell. I will sleep less than 4 hours before my Roman law exam and I just don't give a fuck. It is my most important in this semester and I just cannot care. I'm not confident at all, though. I didn't want to fail in front of this teacher, because his opinion was important to me. Now even this thought cannot motivate me. I want to feel something. Anything. But there's just nothing. Complete emptiness inside of me. Even some kind of worry or fear would be enough. But nothing's here. Everything seems senseless. I don't care. I don't care about university, I don't care about my future, I don't care about my journey to Norway, I don't care about my fucked Russian or Japanese. I don't care about anybody either. Recently I started to think again that death wouldn't be a bad thing.

I would need help. But what kind of help? Who or what could help it? Who could save me from my own self? My demons are taking over me again. And now I'm not strong enough to fight against them. I try to endure, but I don't know how long I can keep up with it....

Show me where it hurts you

Now I'm in a very bad mood again. So deep in depression. I don't really want to talk about it though. Everything feels senseless, all are never mind. I feel nothing but emptiness inside of me. No good. Anyway, what I would like to share I just understand one scene from a movie I've seen quite a while ago. It's from a Japanese movie called Tokyo Tower (starring MatsuJun who is my ichiban. The movie isn't really that good, but there are really hot sex scenes with him in it, that's why I love it :P). So the scene is near at the end of the movie and the plot is that a younger playboy gets into a relationship with an older house-wife. He doesn't treat her very nicely, he only deals with her when he wants, otherwise take his time with other women, doesn't answer her call and such, which makes the women obviously disappointed. She tries to break up with him more times, but finally she always give in to him and make up again and again. So in this scene, when she sees him on the road in a sport car with another girl, she crashes into his car on purpose more times. His car got damaged so he gets out the car and starts yelling at the woman. That's when the woman says, when the guy asks her why did she do that:
"Always I was the one who was angry, finally I wanted to see you angry. However, you should be a lot more angrier."

Actually I've always supported the man in this movie, I liked how he could get away with this playboy lifestyle. However, now I really understand a woman. I also would be happy to see him angry. I want to see emotions from him. As strong as possible. Emotions I cause in him. Positive or negative, now never mind. I just want to get some.

Inner demons

Reading blogs sometimes really an interesting thing. I don't think people would share every thoughts they have here, I cannot know someone just from his / her blog, but really I can learn some things. Just thinking about myself, I also relieve here some thoughts I don't really share anywhere else. Why? Yes, I know that anyone can read it, but still, without my name and my face it's somehow not that hard. Of course anyone can find out my identity etc. etc. But somehow it's still different, even though it's public.

By the way, I think I can say I'm pretty good at online stalking. It's not something I'm proud of though. I just have quite a lot free time to do and why not? When you have a depressed, melancholic and asocial personality like mine. (By the way, most people don't know the difference between asocialists and anti-socialists.Asocialists are those, who has problem with treating other people, communicating other people, making closer relationships with people. While anti-socialists are sociopaths with an other world. So they have problem with emotions, letting people close to them and such. So maybe the only thing common is the difficulty in making closer relations, maybe, but that's not the point now.) Anyway, I realized that I'm really not ready dealing with other people's problems. I have way too many for myself.

I do have friends, now I'm sure. Those fellows from university is somewhat dear to me. Really. I feel I belong to them in a rate. I cannot open my heart to them, but still. I'm a part of their group anyway. Feels good, but not enough.

Some days ago I was scolded by a guy I don't know that much, but sometimes I talk to him online. He said I already wasted half of my university life with this shit I'm in right now and I really should change. I know I should, but it's not that easy. I don't know if I can do it alone, but I must. I have to learn doing everything alone. I cannot depend on anyone emotionally. But I know this thing cannot be solved alone. I can do what I have to do, but I feel empty inside. I just feel nothing. Nothing at all. I like being drunk, because at least that time my dark thoughts go away. The rest, doesn't matter. I study, because I have to, I will go to Norway for half a year, just because I want something to happen. But really never mind. I want to pass my exams, but if not, never mind. Doesn't matter. What is missing? What could change this? Now I don't know.

For a while I thought maybe if I found love or something, this might help. Now I think probably not. If I think about it deeper, every people have inner demons. And I think mine are too much. Too much for someone else to bear. And also it would be too much for me to bear someone else's as well. I still like a guy who is impossible for me and he has a lot of inner demons. I cannot know them fully, but I think his burden is probably as heavy as mine is. Totally different, but heavy. I couldn't help him and he couldn't help me anyway. It wouldn't change my feelings immediately, but it's a fact anyway. No matter what I do, I have to do alone. I don't where I'm heading for this way, though.

It's a cruel, cruel world

I'm back here for a post before I will be buried by studies. It will be a hard time, really. For next week I have to study 100 § statute and also I should prepare for another test and study roman law as usual. The funny thing is that if I cannot study normally that statute and I won't pass that test, I cannot go to the exam. Too bad. In this case I will have to take it up next year again. At the moment I can't really worry about it. My tactic is basically that I always ask myself "what is the worst that can happen to me in this situation?" So I can see it's really not that tragic. Now the worst is that I won't pass and I have to take it up again a year later. So what? Basically, nothing builds on this subject, so no problem. Also, I don't have finish this university within 3 years anyway. I just lose 5 credits for this semester. Who cares? Not so tragic after all, right? Just take it easy. Worrying too much isn't healthy. Calm and peace is the reward of apathy.

Something else, yesterday I realized how unfair this world is. How unfair we are. A lot of girls complain about boys like only bitches. But aren't we, girls are the same? Apperaence counts too much. I know a lot of nice guys, who are single, even though they are polite, kind, intelligent and such, however, they aren't too loud, aren't matcho-like and so on. Even I cannot look at them like potential partners, only just friends. I can only fall for those self-sufficient, egoist dumbasses, who may look cute, but really are jerks. It's unfair, really unfair. Someone please open my eyes and other girls' and make us turn to these nice ones from those dickheads! Because how things are now, if a boy wants a girl, the recipe could be the next one: If you are kind, polite, intelligent and treat girls nice, they will only want to be your friend. Be egoist and self-centered, look down on others, be loud and you will get any girl you want. That sucks!

A (bad?) girl's lament

It's been a while since I posted anything. I could share things, because there are changes in my life (I will move out from my apartment and move to my cousin's and probably I will go to Norway in January, though I still have some administrative work to do with it, and need to consider it well, but I won the scholarship already anyway). But today I don't feel like writing about it. Today is just a little lamenting around a thing that on everyone's mind all the time, though not everyone admits it. A thing that is important to everyone. Everyone's minds evolve around it. There are many expressions to it, that's what made me think and actually I would like to write about them. Yes, the thing is sex.

I have never written about it yet, but why? Honestly, I like reading when someone writes about sex. Why? Who knows? Maybe because I'm a stalker like everyone else and I like looking into other's prive life. Also because I kind of respect those, who have enough courage to talk about it directly. Anyway, there is a lot of expressions to sex. Thinking about why would be also a good theme, but now I just want to share my thoughts about the differences between each of them. Even though they refer to the same thing.

So the first expression is "having sex". It's the most simple expression, refers to the concrete thing, it has actually no plus in the meaning. To be honest, maybe that's the phrase I like the most. It says nor more nor less, just what it is. But it's a bit too concrete. Still the best, I think.

Not like "making love". It's too oldschool in my opinion. Who makes love? Just the couples in romantic movies. Too "pink" phrase. Dislike. Absolutely. I have never heard anyone using it in everyday life. Let's just keep it for romantic erotic stories. Though it's sometimes even too much for there as well. If someone would say it in a usual conversation, probably I would laugh him / her in the face or at least show a strange expression on my face.

And the last category is "fucking" and "cuming". These two words are nearly the same. Vulgar. If couples in romantic movies make love, than who fucks? The actors in porn movies. That's it. What they do is animal like and vulgar. Totally fucking. So if you do it hard, then you are fucking and it's a fact. This word is used sometimes young people or not too highly educated dumbasses. Not like they would really use it this meaning. They just want to seem cool or really just stupid.

Anyway, my conclusion is, just use the world "sex". Let's call everything on its name.


So it was a totally senseless post, but I just wanted to write it. Sorry for those, who wasted their time on it.

I'm a loner

Lately my depression is in a very deep period. I feel lonely. Like I'd belong to nowhere. I wish for someone, who really listens to me, who puts me into the first place. If this person is a boyfriend, or just a very close friend is nearly never mind. I just want to feel that I'm important for someone.

Most of my acquaintaces just kind of put up with my existence. My roommates, my classmates, everybody around me. I thought I got used to being treated like this, but it still feels kind of bad. I know it's never mind for them if I'm there or not. And this thought is painful somewhere.

My family thinks I'm important, but I guess they already kind of got used to that I'm not at home. My best friend lives far and she cannot be here when I need her. Moreover, she has a boyfriend, who is obviously more important for her, than me. It's normal, though. But I have to admit, sometimes I hate that boyfriend (even though I've never met him) and I kind of jealous of him. But it's okay. Maybe I'm sick, but I try to handle this feeling. Sometimes it takes over, but mostly I can.

I can only make friends with people who lives far. It's nice to talk to them sometimes, but they can't be there, when I need them the most. It sucks. I like being alone, but right now I'm sick of loneliness. It sucks...