A (bad?) girl's lament

It's been a while since I posted anything. I could share things, because there are changes in my life (I will move out from my apartment and move to my cousin's and probably I will go to Norway in January, though I still have some administrative work to do with it, and need to consider it well, but I won the scholarship already anyway). But today I don't feel like writing about it. Today is just a little lamenting around a thing that on everyone's mind all the time, though not everyone admits it. A thing that is important to everyone. Everyone's minds evolve around it. There are many expressions to it, that's what made me think and actually I would like to write about them. Yes, the thing is sex.

I have never written about it yet, but why? Honestly, I like reading when someone writes about sex. Why? Who knows? Maybe because I'm a stalker like everyone else and I like looking into other's prive life. Also because I kind of respect those, who have enough courage to talk about it directly. Anyway, there is a lot of expressions to sex. Thinking about why would be also a good theme, but now I just want to share my thoughts about the differences between each of them. Even though they refer to the same thing.

So the first expression is "having sex". It's the most simple expression, refers to the concrete thing, it has actually no plus in the meaning. To be honest, maybe that's the phrase I like the most. It says nor more nor less, just what it is. But it's a bit too concrete. Still the best, I think.

Not like "making love". It's too oldschool in my opinion. Who makes love? Just the couples in romantic movies. Too "pink" phrase. Dislike. Absolutely. I have never heard anyone using it in everyday life. Let's just keep it for romantic erotic stories. Though it's sometimes even too much for there as well. If someone would say it in a usual conversation, probably I would laugh him / her in the face or at least show a strange expression on my face.

And the last category is "fucking" and "cuming". These two words are nearly the same. Vulgar. If couples in romantic movies make love, than who fucks? The actors in porn movies. That's it. What they do is animal like and vulgar. Totally fucking. So if you do it hard, then you are fucking and it's a fact. This word is used sometimes young people or not too highly educated dumbasses. Not like they would really use it this meaning. They just want to seem cool or really just stupid.

Anyway, my conclusion is, just use the world "sex". Let's call everything on its name.


So it was a totally senseless post, but I just wanted to write it. Sorry for those, who wasted their time on it.

I'm a loner

Lately my depression is in a very deep period. I feel lonely. Like I'd belong to nowhere. I wish for someone, who really listens to me, who puts me into the first place. If this person is a boyfriend, or just a very close friend is nearly never mind. I just want to feel that I'm important for someone.

Most of my acquaintaces just kind of put up with my existence. My roommates, my classmates, everybody around me. I thought I got used to being treated like this, but it still feels kind of bad. I know it's never mind for them if I'm there or not. And this thought is painful somewhere.

My family thinks I'm important, but I guess they already kind of got used to that I'm not at home. My best friend lives far and she cannot be here when I need her. Moreover, she has a boyfriend, who is obviously more important for her, than me. It's normal, though. But I have to admit, sometimes I hate that boyfriend (even though I've never met him) and I kind of jealous of him. But it's okay. Maybe I'm sick, but I try to handle this feeling. Sometimes it takes over, but mostly I can.

I can only make friends with people who lives far. It's nice to talk to them sometimes, but they can't be there, when I need them the most. It sucks. I like being alone, but right now I'm sick of loneliness. It sucks...

Nem a ruhat eszi az embert

Sweetbox - Trying to be me

 Today's title is in Hungarian, because it's something I just can't translate into English. It would lose a lot from its meaning. So I just left it in Hungarian

Today I realized how much clothes express someone's personality. Of course I've always known it in a way, but I've never thought it's that serious. I have clothes I liked when I bought them, even when I tried them on at home, but when I have to wear them a day long, I just realize, it's no good. Somehow that clothes aren't me.

Lately I wear skirts more often. And for example I love my jeans skirt, that skirt is me, especially if I wear it with leggings. But today I wear a bit longer, green skirt for the first time. I thought it's a nice skirt and fits me, when I tried it on at home, but somehow I felt something bad when I wore it at school all day long and I couldn't wait to take it off as soon as possible. It was my first thing to do when I arrived at home to change it. I don't know what the problem is though. I still think it's a good skirt, but it's just not me. Simply not me.

Sometimes the same thing happens with me with blouses, shoes and such. That's the thing why my mother argue with me and I just can't tell her what my problem is. Since I was the one who said they'll be good and then just refuse wearing them. I just can't explain. Difficult, right?

Anyway, last day I wrote a test of Roman law. It could have been better, but didn't succeed that bad either, I think. I will learn the results next week. I'm a bit worried about it, but I don't want to think about it until next Wednesday. And I went to row again. It was good. I still need to learn and practice it a lot, but somehow I enjoyed it, even though it was hard. Anyway, I think everyone should try it. It's really cool. Hard, but cool.

This is me breaking up with you

I just feel like showing my top 20 sad break-up songs. Maybe it's not my real chart, just the first 20 songs which came into my mind at first. So here they are:
20. Breaking Benjamin - Breath

19.  Pixie Lott - Broken arrow

18. Tatu - Doschitai do sta

17. Alexandra Burke - The silence

16. Evanescence - Missing

15.  The pretty reckless - Just tonight

14. Britney Spears - Everytime

13. Rihanna - Cry

12. Eric Saade - Masquerade

11. Hamasaki Ayumi - Is it love?

10. Taylor Swift - Haunted

9. Sweetbox - Echo

8. C.N Blue - I'm a loner

7. Avril Lavigne - Wish you were here

6. Kesha - The Harold song

5. Zanzibar - Üvegszilánkokkal az ágyban

4. Garbage - Cup of coffee

3. Sweetbox - Girl from Tokyo

2. Arashi - Kimi wa sukoshi mo warukunai

1. Kelly Clarkson - Behind these hazel eyes

Where is my place?

I just find this song pretty true. Yes, recently I'm quite a feminist I think. Though I have no problem with them, until I treat them just as friends. But no romance, please.

My family says I'm like a kindergardener, little child if it comes to romantic relationships. They say, that boy from law class likes me, as a girl I mean. But I don't think so, I think he is just lonely, doesn't know too many people in this new school and maybe he finds me nice. I also think he is nice, but just as I friend. My family knows nothing. Just because he likes talking to me sometimes, that doesn't mean anything, right? Actually, I just don't want to believe it. Because if I did, I couldn't spend time together with him anymore. So I just ignore the fact, I just refuse to believe it and everything is alright. That's all.

By the way, today I don't feel like to do anything. My mood is a bit depressed I guess. Nothing seems to make sense. However, rowing yesterday was nice. Hard, but nice. I have to learn it properly for sure, though. Now I should study Roman law, but I don't feel like. Maybe a bit later. Because I must not fail in any test. Not from that subject. I don't know if it really matters though. At the moment nothing really matters. I hate this mood. The only thing that bothers me, that my bed isn't too convenient. So even sleeping isn't too good. But I will survive it somehow. Hopefully

Life is hardだけどhappy?

Tarja Turunen - I walk alone

I'm disgusted by boys. Really. That's what I realized at the last party. When that guy tried to kiss me, but ended up licking my cheeks, all I could think about is "it's similar to what my dog does, but he is more disgusting". And any guy, who seems handsome or at least okay for me, when they come closer, all I start thinking about is when he will leave... I wonder what's wrong with me... maybe it's really better for me to be alone....

By the way, I went to row today. I couldn't go to the river, because I storm came, but the ergometer was good. Now I'm tired like hell, but feel good and calm in a way. Nice feeling. I want to go again. Though I'm still scared how I will manage to row when I will go to the river and really have to row. I've never done it before. I hope I won't be too bad at it.

And I found a good part in my book again, so at the end of my post, let me share with you it. I found it really true again so I don't want to comment it. Just read:

"-Érted? - kérdezi, miközben a műanyag csomagolással bajlódik.
- Mindent. - Nemcsak úgy mondom. Tényleg értem. Eljött az életében az a pillanat.
A pillanat nem az idő egy szelete, hanem egy kérdés. Felismerés. Megrázkódtatás. A pillanat akkor jön el, amikor felnézel, és meglátod, hogyan nyúlik el az életed a további hetven évre. És közvetlenül előtted ott tornyosul, mint egy hatalmas útakadály, a kérdés: "Elég jó nekem ez az élet a következő hetven évre?" De lehet, hogy ezt könnyű megválaszolni. A következő, logikusan adódó kérdés - tudok így élni? - az igazán halálos. Mert nem az eldöntendő kérdések fajtájába tartozik, hanem a "csináld, különben meghalsz" kategóriájába.
Én kerülöm ezeket a pillanatokat."

When will it be me?

Avril Lavigne - The best damn thing

Today was a very very sober day and it was right. Now I officially swear that I will NEVER drink any alcohol on Tuesday in this semester. No, I know it's Wednesday. But today I have Roman law class with the strictest teacher of mine. And it would be bad if I were worn out because of partying and I have to write a test or something. Or even just think. Basically, he is strict, but he is my favourite teacher. So I have to show him that I still can do study in a high level. Actually he made me take up law as a second majority. I decided it last year when I studied for the exam of his subject and when he gave me a five (the best mark) on the exam. That was the time I made up my mind. And surprisingly he remembers me. At least he knows that I already passed a course that he taught. It seems his legendary good memory is real. Anyway, I mustn't dissapoint him or myself. I have to study Roman law hard. Really hard. No matter, what it takes.

I respects him a lot. Not like those bastard, egoist idiots, disguised as handsome, long-haired guys. Just look right through me and hardly say even hi to me. But if I complained about it, he surely wouldn't understand my problem. Fuck off! Just like a second Edel... but I won't make the same mistake again. No way! Damned Gyapjaska! Damned Edelka! I hate dickheads like you all! Go to hell!

Otherwise, I always say, I'm fine alone and such and I like to believe that, but somewhere deep inside I often wonder why I nearly never liked by any guy? Why does no one ever see me? Am I really that insignificant? I don't think I would be such an ugly brat or anything... I wonder why... It's a bit annoying though. Why my roommates, my friends are often asked out by different guys and why I'm not? Anyway, I really think there is no problem with me. But why than? Maybe it's okay this way after all. I don't need any guy! But why it can be...?